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 Sometimes
children pay the price for the counter-cultural lifestyle of their parents.
Early on in our home education adventure our little non-schoolers
had to get used to answering questions like, Why aren’t you in school today?
Though in those days (when homeschooling was a
novelty) fabrications like teachers meeting were a tempting response in order
to avoid penetrating stares, nowadays the children respond with a nonchalant
We homeschool, secure in the general acceptance of
the practice.
Another constant question even now is, What grade
are you in? For a family that doesn’t follow the
convention of grades this requires a little creativity. Our children have
learned just to calculate what grade they would be in if they were inmates of
the local school and answer with that number. No one ever follows up with
more questions once you’ve told them 10th grade or
whatever.
Last summer my then-seventeen-year-old daughter Sarah began to be asked a new
question (for us), When are you graduating? Perhaps knowing my nonchalant
attitude toward traditional customs she began to lobby me to think about
planning some kind of graduation come late spring this year (when, indeed,
she would be graduating had she attended school). She knew that I didn’t care for the normal practice of homeschooler
graduations in which the graduates don rented caps and gowns and march the
aisle of a local church to the strains of Pomp and Circumstance — thus
mimicking the very schools they have not used. But she
didn’t want to have to answer the newest question with something like, Well,
I’m not actually graduating because my father doesn’t really believe in it,
and, yes, you were right to think we homeschoolers
are strange and, no, I’m not going on to college, and, well, see my Dad and
he’ll explain about our being peculiar people….
So I committed to allowing her to graduate this spring so that she could
provide an easy answer to When are you graduating? All she had to say
was, In May. Now she fit the system and didn’t have
to be an apologist for some neo-paleo-idea of her
father’s. But this meant I had to figure out what we
were going to do for this graduation to which relatives and friends expected
invitations. What follows is our family’s thoughts
on this matter of graduation in the context of the whole matter of the
passage from childhood to adulthood, followed by a summary of what we ended
up doing on that special day in May.
Total Life Preparation
For me, the matter of completing certain academic requirements considered
generally as high school level is not particularly important. The standards
for graduation vary drastically from school to school (and home to home), so
it doesn’t mean a whole lot anyway. Beyond that,
though, the emphasis on academic achievement is itself a questionable one.
Though it is typical of our Greek-influenced culture to emphasize
intellectual (and physical) accomplishments, a more Hebrew (biblical)
approach would be to stress character and wisdom. The most important
questions are not What is your grade point average? or
What is your SAT score? but rather Are you
developing into a Christ-like man or woman? or Can
you use the knowledge you have gained in some real-life service to God?
Academics are part of preparing for adulthood, but just a part; so marking a nebulous academic passage may not make the
most sense.
It would make more sense to devise some rite of passage from childhood to
adulthood that took account of the need for a total preparation for life.
John Thompson has in these pages reported on
something he calls Life Graduation (Patriarch #14, College at Home: For the
Glory of God). Basically his idea is that the
passage from youth to adulthood should be defined as being adequately trained
in every area needed to function as a mature man or woman of God, not just
academics.
We ought to think in terms of a thorough discipleship process rather than an
education process. For a child to be well trained and ready for adulthood he
must be discipled in each of his key relationships
in life: to God, to family, to church, and to the world. This training is accomplished through four essential disciplines:
spiritual development, academic studies, life skills training, and creative
arts. Let’s look at these more closely. First, the
four key relationships.
Relationship with God. Our chief aim in raising our
children is that they know the living God through faith in Jesus Christ. Now
this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus
Christ, whom you have sent (John 17:3). What does it profit our children if
they graduate with honors from a reputable school but don’t
know the Lord? We must pray for them and teach them
and love them in order, by God’s grace, to lead them to salvation and to a
walk of holiness in obedience to his will. He has showed you, O man, what is
good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God
(Micah 6:8). That is the first lesson our home schools should teach.
Relationship with family
Far more important than teaching algebra (though we needn’t
choose one or the other) is teaching a young person how to properly function
in a family. This means training him to honor father and mother (Eph. 6:1-3),
but it also means preparing him to be a husband and a father himself (or her a wife and mother). Our children are
not prepared for life until they have the training necessary for them
to take a spouse and start a family. They need to understand how to love and
respect a spouse, how to set up house and budget money, how to bear children
and train them. Our culture spends virtually no time preparing youths for the
most important earthly callings they will have. Life preparation for
Christian families ought not follow in that neglect.
Relationship with church
In this New Covenant age church is right alongside family as a priority for
Christians. I’m not referring, of course, to the
institutional pseudo-church that runs families ragged with activities that
supposedly minister to those families. I have in mind the people of God
gathered under the headship of Christ, with biblical leadership, with
teaching from the Word, with the fellowship of the Spirit expressed in the
ministry of gifts and in the bonds of fervent love, and with a lifestyle of
holiness. There are scores of passages that proclaim our responsibilities to
fellow believers (love one another, serve one another, teach one another …).
Our children must be trained to take their place
within the body of Christ and to join in its mission to disciple the nations
and bring Christ to the world.
Relationship with the world
God made man, male and female, to multiply in the
earth and take dominion over it to the glory of God (Gen. 1:26-28). This is now accomplished through the spread of the gospel and kingdom of Jesus (Matt. 28:18-20). Our families
and our churches are the agencies God is using in this enterprise. Our
children should be discipled in how to use and
develop their God-given abilities to take dominion over God’s creation and
spread Christ’s kingdom. It is a large purpose for which
Christian parents are preparing their children!
Children are discipled to serve in these four key
relationships through training in the four basic disciplines. Let’s look at those.
Spiritual development
Growing in our walk with God doesn’t just happen, as
many of us have found out the hard way. It takes discipline and practice.
Parents ought to train their children to have a daily devotional time with
the Lord, to study the Bible, to pray. They should teach them how to apply
God’s Word to life. They should train them in the development of godly
character. Parents who themselves walk with God should take their children on
that walk. A Christian youth is not ready for the duties of manhood or
womanhood until he or she knows how to abide in Christ day by day.
Academic studies
The three R's and all that comes after is a vital part of discipleship. Our
children should excel in all the subject areas that are
taught in other schools. They should learn all about God’s works in
creation and history, which when you think about it covers any academic
subject you can name (cf. Ps. 78:4). They should have more, though. They
should be able to relate each discipline to God’s Word and his purpose in
Christ (v. 5). That is a truly Christian education. In [Christ] are hidden
all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge (Col. 2:3).
Life skills training
Is a young man prepared for life if he has a diploma in
hand but can’t fix a light switch or make a simple bookcase? Is a young woman prepared for life if she has her diploma
but can’t cook vegetable stew or bake bread? Raising children to be adults
includes equipping them with the practical skills they need to live day by
day and fulfill their anticipated callings as husbands/fathers and
wives/mothers. Taking dominion means having a hands-on acquaintance with
God’s creation and being able to utilize and even improve the tools of culture
that other men have developed.
Creative arts
God’s creation is not only very useful, it is also very beautiful. Enjoying
that beauty and re-creating things of beauty is a vital part of what it means
to be made in the image of God. Our children are only fully trained when they have learned to both
appreciate and incorporate beauty in their everyday lives. Young ladies especially should learn to create homes that
reflect a spirit of loveliness, but the young men should also be taught that
orderliness and attractiveness are created by God and should be mirrored in
all our work. Children should also be exposed to and led to participate in
the fine arts (music, painting, sculpture, etc.), according to their
interests and gifts.
Commencement vs. graduation
So our vision of what it takes to pass from being a youth to being an adult
is rather all-encompassing and makes the mere passing of an academic hurdle
rather inconsequential by comparison. But it was
this larger vision that I wanted to incorporate in Sarah’s graduation. I
decided to call the event a Commencement (to borrow another
graduation-related term), but it had a new meaning for us. We were marking
the commencement of Sarah upon the journey of godly womanhood, having been
adequately prepared to take on that role (the term is thus the equivalent of
Life Graduation).
In her case I decided that she was sufficiently discipled to take this larger step at her now 18 years of
age. It may not always be the case that a youth is ready for Commencement at
age 18. That is especially so for young men who often need several years of
special preparation to be ready to take on the support of a wife and family.
It may be most helpful to separate the idea of graduation from high school
from that of Commencement as here defined. For the
sake of convention (including inquiring relatives and friends)
it may be useful to acknowledge the passing of the cultural milestone of
finishing high school level work (graduation). But
the big emphasis would be placed on that moment of passage when a father and
mother declared a son or daughter fully prepared to step onto the stage of
life as a godly man or woman in their own right and, in particular, ready to
take a spouse and set up a home (Commencement).
There could be several ways to mark the traditional graduation: a group homeschool ceremony with other homeschoolers
in the community or the church, an informal open house in which friends are invited to mark the occasion with the graduate, a more
formal home-based ceremony, etc. Then, when appropriate, there could be
another event to mark the step of Commencement.
I would suggest that we gradually move away from dwelling on high school
graduation at all in favor of concentrating on the truly important step of
what we are calling Commencement, the formal entrance onto the path of godly
manhood or womanhood. Christian homeschoolers have
an opportunity to help shape the culture here. Let’s
not just unthinkingly copy what everybody else does. Let’s
set a new standard.
Our Commencement Ceremony
I’ll share with you what we did just to get you
started thinking about how an alternative might work. Sarah sent out
invitations on some artistic blank-on-the-inside cards on which I had printed
the words of invitation on my laser printer. We announced the event as a 2
p.m. ceremony at our house (on a Saturday), followed by an open house until 5
p.m. We put up a rented party tent in our yard across the drive from our
house (by God’s grace, we have a wonderful, park-like, four-acre yard) and
placed about 90 chairs under it. Pam (my worth-more-than-rubies mate) and
Sarah went all out creating a spirit of loveliness in the house and
throughout the yards. I contributed to the beauty by placing four speakers
outside and wafting the strains of Bach and Vivaldi all over the grounds.
The front of the program I created read: Service to acknowledge the
Commencement of Sarah Joyce Lancaster upon the journey of godly womanhood.
Inside was the Order of Service and the words to the
hymns we had chosen. Here is the what the ceremony
itself consisted of:
Welcome. Pretty
obvious.
Scripture Reading.
This was Psalm 67 which I chose because it is the
reference I had engraved in Pam’s wedding band (25 years ago — our
anniversary was 3 days after Sarah’s Commencement). Sarah is the first of the
blessings I had asked for using the words of that Psalm, and she is the first
arrow we have prepared (Ps. 127) by which we hope to see fulfilled our
prayer: may your ways be known on earth, your
salvation among all nations (67:2).
Hymn. Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing (one of
Sarah’s favorites).
Prayer. Invocation-like.
The Meaning of Commencement. Here I explained what I
have written about in this article.
Hymn. When I Survey the Wondrous Cross.
This is another of Sarah’s favorites; I introduced it as describing the focus
of our preparation of our daughter.
Recognition of God’s Grace in Sarah’s Life. Here I
had Pam come up to help. I would read a couple verses at a
time of Proverbs 31:10-31, and after each reading Pam would recount some of
the accomplishments the Lord had enabled in Sarah’s life, for example:
provides food (15) — her cooking and baking; clothed in scarlet (21) — her
sewing; wisdom, faithful instruction (26) — her academic achievements; fears
the Lord (30) — her years of personal devotions, reading through Scripture,
Bible memory, etc.
Special Titus 2 Award. Here Sarah and I surprised Pam by giving her a
gift as an expression of appreciation for being a Titus 2 Mom who had taught
this younger woman and as a reminder of the occasion. It was a blessing
necklace with little boy and girl charms (with appropriate birthstones) for
each of the six children.
Declaration and Presentation. I read a diploma-like
page and handed the ribbon-tied copy to Sarah. It read:
Declaration and Commendation: Be it known that Sarah Joyce Lancaster, having
completed a program composed of academic studies, life skills training, and
creativity, and having been thoroughly discipled in
her relationship with God, family, church, and world, is hereby prepared to
commence upon the journey of godly womanhood. She is
commended to the Body of Christ as a woman of noble character … who
fears the Lord. (Prov. 31) Affirmed
by the undersigned, her parents, this 31st day of May, the year of our Lord
1997.
Pam and I had signed her copy.
Father’s Prayer and Blessing. I thanked God for his
work in Sarah and prayed about her future as a godly woman. Then I laid my
hands on her and pronounced a blessing based on Num. 6:24-26 and Heb. 13:20,21.
Encouragement from the Church. Several men offered
some brief words of encouragement to Sarah from the Scripture and their
experience with the Lord. I had let the men know in advance of this
opportunity.
Hymn. Now Thank We All Our
God. Fitting words with which to conclude.
Dismissal. After this we
served lots of homemade finger foods and a wonderful sweet tea punch (the
recipe came from some friends in Texas).
People sat inside or out, or strolled around the grounds enjoying the fellowship
and music. All in all, a totally memorable day.
Just to give you another quick example: Our Texas friends recently faced the
graduation milestone with one of their boys. They decided to have A Blessing
instead of the cap and gown ceremony. They invited 70 friends and family to
an evening graduation open house. After food and visiting
they called the people together for a little ceremony in which the Dad
introduced the Mom as the chief teacher; she gave her personal reflections on
her son. The son then systematically expressed his thanks to all who had
helped shaped his life, many of whom were present. Then the father explained
the biblical concept of blessing (many present were not familiar with this),
referring to Genesis 27, 48, and 49, and read a carefully prepared Blessing
for the son, which included references to the son’s character and
accomplishments, after which he prayed for him. It was a very warm, personal time which was a powerful testimony to those present about
the loving family bonds that reached the heart of this son.
Conclusion
As we draw toward a close, let me emphasize my main
concerns in writing this article.
First, aim to prepare children fully for life. That preparation takes a lot
more than teaching school subjects. It involves assuring that they are
mature, completely prepared to leave our home and set up their own and to otherwise take on an adult role in church and society.
Second, don’t just copy the patterns dictated by the
popular culture. It makes sense for schools to have graduations; it marks the
termination of that academic program which bound a particular group of people
together in a common pursuit. But home educators
have chosen another paradigm entirely. We don’t need
to do school and we don’t need graduations. It’s OK
to do both, but you are free to do neither. Why copy the ceremonies of mass,
institutional schooling?
Third, be creative with alternative rites of passage. We have the opportunity
for a wholly different kind of training,
discipleship rooted in relationship and designed to reach the heart. We also
have the chance to create new rites of passage. Let’s
be inventive and come up with some that reflect who we are as unique
families. Yours won’t look just like mine, nor
should it. Express your family in a way that fits you.
Let us know what alternatives you have created. We will try to pass on some
of the ideas to our readers.
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