Before You Leave a Congregation?
by Mike McHugh
Comments RKM: The original title is "Before You Leave a Church". I changed it to "Congregation", because how can you leave the "church" if we are the "Church".
We praise God for his work of turning the hearts of fathers to their children and children to their fathers (Malachi 4:6; Luke 1:17; Psalm 78:1ff). There will be plenty of opportunities to plant new family-based churches. However, we must not be guilty of destroying the existing Bride of Christ in the process. Before starting a new church we must honor the church of which we are currently a part.
Too often spiritual enlightenment has led to spiritual pride. More and more, as churches fail to embrace the renewal God is working in some families, we are seeing families respond in a way that is destructive of the peace and welfare of God’s people. We should care enough for any local assembly of God’s church (1) to seek its reformation according to God’s Word and (2) if we must leave, to leave in a way that honor’s Christ and seeks the peace of his body.
Our hearts should desire to see the traditional church reform its structure to embrace the renewal that is taking place in the hearts of fathers and families. We simply cannot put new wine in old wineskins. We should aim for the reformation of the traditional church. Indeed, I do not believe we will ever see a broad-based reformation in this country apart from dismantling age-segregated youth ministries and Sunday Schools in traditional churches. Nations go the way of their cities, cities go the way of the church, churches go the way of their families, and families go the way of their fathers. If we love the Bride of Christ, we must first give the traditional church an opportunity to repent of conforming its child raising practices to the unbiblical philosophies of Horace Mann and John Dewey. Let them taste the wine of father-led renewal.
Too often the church apes the state as it confuses and confounds the work of the church with the work of the family. The biblical model is for the church to disciple and equip fathers and families in child discipling and family worship. It used to be a reason for church discipline in Puritan New England if a man did not lead his family in family worship. Now it is often an issue of confrontation if you do not put your children in Sunday School. The disastrous result is that we actually have "lone ranger" fathers meeting with only their own family and calling it church. It may be that we have to meet only with our wife and children for a transition season, but let us not. be guilty of calling it church.
We need to obey God's command to preserve the unity of the Spirit while trying to help the church see the following:
1. Age segregated children's ministry will produce the inevitable foolishness, worldliness and immaturity that scripture promises (Proverbs 22:15; 13:20; 14:7; Luke 6:40).
2. It is the father’s responsibility to disciple and educate his children after the model of our heavenly Father's relationship to the only begotten Son (Deut. 6:6ff; John 5:19-20; Ephesians 6:4).
3. God promises to curse us by forgetting our children if we reject such biblical knowledge (Hosea 4:6).
1. Don't leave your church immediately! Jesus laid his life down for us (John 3:16-18). We need to be willing to lay our lives down for a season for our brethren. You have no authority to just walk out of a church. To our shame, many of us have no more commitment to the local church than we do to McDonald's or Burger King.
2. Make sure you are an example of what you are advocating before you speak (Matt. 23:3). Why would any body of elders or pastor be interested in a new way to disciple children if our children are unruly, out of control and not an example for other children?
3. You must submit to the leadership (Hebrews 13:17). Realize that you are not authorized to make changes in the church unless you are an elder. Fathers, your job is to speak; and mothers, your job is to be a helper.
4. Get any and all logs out of your own eyes before speaking to the elders (Matthew 7:1-6). Anything that the church or elders may have against you (on any previous issue) must first be dealt with by you (Matthew 5:23-24) before you speak. Allow for enough time between reconciliation and speaking about father-led, family-based church life so that the two are not confused. Don't reconcile and then in the next sentence bring up the issue.
5. Speak to the leadership in love (Ephesians 4:15). It is your duty. It is part of your responsibility as a believer-priest. As in any relationship, choose a time when they may be the most receptive. Treat the leaders as you would want your wife to treat you in bringing up an issue.
6. Provide them with resources and give them time. The best thing you can do is get out of the way. Assume the best. Assume they love the Lord, want what is best and will be open. By giving them the following three tools (available through the Patriarch Bookshelf), you have given them all they really need. (1) A Critique of Modern Youth Ministry, by Christopher Schlect; (2) Family Worship, by Kerry Ptacek; (3) The Family, by Palmer and Alexander. Encourage them to read the material in the above order. Don't keep pressing the issue unless they ask questions. Follow up once a month with a short and simple inquiry as to their conclusions. Love is patient (1 Cor. 13:4) and kind. Patient is how long you are willing to wait. Kind is how you speak.
Be truly teachable. The best approach is to buy the materials and given it to them with the request that they point out anything that they think is not scriptural.
Remember elders have a responsibility you do not have. They must be careful in what they present to the flock. Even if they become convinced, they will need time to get others on board with their new thinking. They will need time to think through the implications and how best to implement a new path. Often they will move in the right direction but will need to walk in their new convictions for a while before arriving at: the same place you have come.
A pastor friend of mine recently preached Christopher Schlect's Critique of Modern Youth Ministry as his Sunday Sermon. He introduced a mentoring program. Another pastor, who runs a K-12 Christian school is considering dropping the teaching of religion and only taking students into the school whose fathers commit to teaching religion at home. Both these brothers are at least moving in the right direction. I have the privilege of continuing to contribute to the development of their thinking.
7. Practice your convictions with humility (1 Peter 5:5-7). If you are not going to assist the Sunday School or be in it, be humble about it.
8. Be a servant to the church (Mark 10:45). Offer to teach a family-based Sunday School. Offer to disciple and mentor other families. You must serve the body in some way. Pray and ask God to show you how and where. Don't contribute to the perception that homeschoolers only care about themselves.
9. Be a witness (Matthew 5:16). Don't contribute to the myth that homeschoolers worship the family. Be a model of reaching out to a lost and dying world. We don't throw our kids into the public schools to learn how to deal with the world and witness to it, but our kids ought to see us witnessing and dealing with the world. If the snake on a pole in the Old Testament could become an idol, don't be closed to the idea that your family can become an idol.
10. Seek counsel (Prov. 15:22). For example, you could call one of the men nearest you on the church planting team mentioned recently in Patriarch. We can help you avoid a lot of pitfalls if you want to start a new fellowship. We are available not only to counsel with you, but with the leadership of your current church, as well, whether you stay or leave.
Finally, you cannot wait forever. There comes a time to leave. However, you must aim to find the proper response between the extremes of, on the one hand, walking out the minute there is resistance to your ideas and, on the other hand, never joining in fellowship with like-minded saints.
If what you say is not received and you cannot in good conscience stay, leave quietly and on the best terms possible. It is a scandal that Christians cannot look each other in the eye in the grocery store. Only Satan gets the glory when Christians cannot work together, despite their differences, on a city-wide basis on issues of common concern to all Christians. A house divided against itself cannot: stand. When we have lost our ability to be salt and light in the city gates with other believers we deserve to be trampled under foot. We must maintain our broader unity as Christ’s people even as we separate over important convictions.
May the Lord bless your efforts as you use these thoughts to help the Bride of Christ take its child raising practices captive to Christ.