Boost Your Partner's Self-Esteem

Boost Your Partner's Self-Esteem

By Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott

If your ability to boost your mate's self-esteem could use a boost, we have plenty of suggestions. Here are some practical and proven ways to encourage your spouse.

Be prepared for shock.

If we've had a long dry spell without encouragement, we may be flat-out shocked that our spouse would say a positive word. So if that's the case in your relationship, do your best to accept the praise without making him or her feel like a heel for not saying it sooner.

Uncover your spouse's sweet spot of praise.

What is it that your spouse really wants to hear from you? Is it that she's a good cook? Maybe. Is it that he's good at mowing the lawn? Maybe. But maybe your spouse is yearning to hear something else. Maybe she wants to know that you admire the way she volunteers to help in the nursery at church or her gift for organizing your home. Maybe he's dying to be noticed for how he interacts with the children or how he provides financial security for your family.

The most meaningful admiration in your marriage will come from a sincere heart that notices what really matters — what your partner really values. So ask yourself what he or she feels most insecure about. And discover what he or she values. That is your partner's sweet spot of praise. And the more you compliment it, the more you admire it, the more on target this healthy habit will be.

Pay attention to the four legs of self-esteem.

In his helpful book That's Not What I Meant! Tim Stafford notes that our self-esteem stands on four legs: mental, social, physical, and spiritual. People need to feel capable mentally, likable socially, attractive physically, and vital spiritually. Stafford points out that we need praise in each of these areas from our partner.

Your spouse wants to feel intellectually competent around you. He or she wants to know you recognize his or her sharp thinking. This is especially true if your spouse if often affirmed more in other areas. If she is often complimented on her appearance, for example, it is especially important that you recognize her mental abilities. Say things like, "I like the way you think," or "You are so good at conceptualizing a problem," or "You are really smart in that area."

Likewise, we all want to feel physically attractive — especially to our spouse. To boost up this area, say things like, "You look handsome in that shirt," or "I'm still knocked out by your smile," or "I like watching you move."

When it comes to social abilities, your spouse needs to know you respect him or her here, too. And they feel it most when you say things like "You're a good listener," or "You know just how I feel," or "I love hearing your voice on the phone."

And don't neglect your spouse's spiritual life. She needs to know you value how she relates to God. This comes through when you say things like, "I can see how you really depend on God," or "I admire how faithful you are studying your Bible," or "I look up to you in this area, did you know that?"

Focus on who your spouse is, not only on what he or she does.

We had just stepped onto the platform in the Rose Garden Arena in Portland, Oregon, where nearly 15 thousand people had assembled for a mega-marriage seminar. That night each of the six speakers was to give a brief overview of what we would be speaking on over the next couple of days. Just before Leslie and I went to the podium, our friend Gary Smalley captivated the crowd by holding up a crisp fifty-dollar bill and asking the massive audience, "Who would like this fifty-dollar bill?" Hands started going up everywhere. He said, "I am going to give this fifty dollars to one of you, but first let me do this." He proceeded to crumple up the bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" The same hands went up in the air.

"Well," he replied, "what if I do this?" He dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, all crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants it?" Again, hands went into the air.

"You have all learned a valuable lesson," Gary said. "No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It is still worth fifty dollars. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value in God's eyes. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are priceless to him."

Does your spouse need the same lesson that crowd in Portland learned? If so, this healthy habit will be particularly important to your marriage. Your spouse needs to know that your love, as well as God's love, is not dependent on how he looks or what he does.

Make a good list.

This is going to sound elementary and perfunctory, but it you take it seriously, the simple task we are about to give you is sure to pay big marital dividends.

Make a list of a half dozen things you appreciate about your spouse. Literally take the time to ponder this and write them down. It is essential that you be as specific as possible and focus on character traits — not just what he or she does for you. For example, you may appreciate the way your spouse arranges your clean laundry or turns down your bed at night, but the underlying character trait may be that she is thoughtful. You may appreciate that your husband always pays your bills on time, but the character trait may be that he is disciplined. You get the idea. Consider admirable traits such as being compassionate, generous, kind, devout, creative, elegant, honest, affectionate, energetic, gentle, optimistic, committed, faithful, confident, cheerful, and so on. For each character trait you identify, note two or three examples of how you typically notice it in your partner.

Give yourself some time to construct this list, but once you have it, we guarantee you that your spouse would love to see it. In fact, you may want to set aside specific time as a couple to share your lists. Whether or not you do this, however, the real value of this exercise is found by keeping your list handy. Put it in your wallet. Place it on your desk. This will help you again and again in your efforts to boost your partner's self-esteem. As you review your list from time to time, it will help you be more aware of your partner's attributes and far more likely to compliment them.

Steer clear of flattery.

Before you heap words of encouragement and praise on your spouse, we have a big caution. Never do it insincerely. Your spouse has a built-in radar detector for phoniness. He or she knows when you are simply going through the motions, and you will do more harm than good if you simply say flattering words. Praise and admiration must reflect genuine feelings to have any value.

Without sincerity, praise becomes downright annoying and maybe even manipulative. Your wife doesn't want to hear that you think she's beautiful if what you really want is to have sex. And your husband doesn't want to hear how much you admire his skill at fixing things if you have a list of home projects you want him to take on. The bottom line? If you don't mean it, don't say it. Or, if you have an ulterior motive in saying it, keep quiet.

Final Thoughts on Giving and Receiving Praise

We would be remiss if we did not mention two more small bits of information on this healthy habit. First, be sure to accept appreciation gracefully. Some people want to brush it aside or play it down in an attempt to be humble. This never feels good to the person giving the praise. So don't discourage praise by questioning its merit. Instead, say, "Glad you like it," or "That's kind of you to notice."

Second, become aware of how good it feels to shower your partner in praise. Notice not just what it does for his or her spirit, but what it does for your own. George Burton Adams, and American educator and historian, said it nicely: "Note how good you feel after you have encouraged someone else. No other argument is necessary to suggest that you should never miss the opportunity to give encouragement."