Dating vs Courtship
The following material is from a seminar presented by Pastor
Brian Watts to parents and young people at the
I. What's wrong with dating?
Introduction
Our
attitude to dating is not so much a matter of church policy but a matter of
family government. Laying a solid foundation in this area is a parental responsibility,
but the church has a responsibility to hold the family accountable to the Word
of God. If we want our young people to be prepared for marriage these are the
questions that we must ask:
What
is the best way to be prepared?
Is
dating an effective preparation for marriage?
In
answering these questions, we need to know the criteria by which the answers
must be judged. Our culture finds it hard to make such judgments because the
dating scene seems to be an expression of "teenagers in love" - and
love is thought to be something that just happens, over which we have no
control. Dating is part of the lie of the enemy that is ensnaring our young
people. The Bible tells us that all that has to do with love can and must be
tested. The test is Rom 13:10 - "true love does no harm to a neighbor and
fulfills the law." So we must find a lawful way for our young people to
fall in love and prepare for marriage.
We
will start by highlighting three areas in which the modern system of dating
fails to meet the standards of God's Word, and thus may be described as an
unlawful expression of love.
1.
Cultural Pressure
Most
teenagers date because it is the thing to do. It is an established cultural
norm to be followed without further question. Most parents continue to allow
dating because it is the way that they did things in their day, and they
believe that they survived. (But as we shall see, they probably did not survive
unscathed).
The
fact that "everybody does it” is not a reason for continuing to do it, but
a reason for questioning it. 1 John 2:15-17 states, "Do not love the world
or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father
is not in him. For all that is in the world - the lust of the flesh, the lust
of the eyes, and the pride of life - is not of the Father but is of the world.
And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of
God abides forever."
Is
dating morally neutral? Is it just an innocent cultural expression; the way we
do things in the west in the present century? Or is it a product of "the
world?" Jim West has defined a date as, "Any planned event involving
a shared activity between a man and a woman" - one person asks the other
to share in an activity, and a publicly recognizable pairing occurs. It always
implies some kind of romantic interest, and both parties know this even if the
date is going to a church meeting or to a Bible study. But what could be the
harm in that, you may ask?
Compare
this cultural norm with the one that prevailed in western civilization until
the early part of this century. Ask yourself these questions: "Which is
more biblical?" "Are the changes morally neutral?"
a)
Previous Culture:
In
earlier times, all courtship included rigid supervision and protection of the
female. It was built on the premise of family introductions, and the focus was
on the father's role in establishing a new family, hence the question in the
marriage ceremony, "Who gives this woman away?"
b)
Present Culture:
In
our day, dating arrangements are made entirely by young people apart from
parental involvement. The date is planned by young people with a known
expectation of physical intimacy. All that is unknown is its degree, or the
speed of its intensification. A woman is left very vulnerable. Without her
father's protection, she alone must determine the degree of sexual intimacy and
that in the heat of the moment. Furthermore, there is no commitment beyond the
next date; relationships (and thus marriage) are initiated out of a romantic
attraction.
When
the two alternative cultures are compared with a biblical model there is no
question which is the more acceptable.
2.
Sexual Pressure
We
are confronted with a massive predominance of amorality. Sexual activity among
teenagers is commonplace. It remains true that it is very unlikely that a girl
will get pregnant if she does not go on a date. But the practice of dating has
transformed the nature of teenage sexuality.
In
the
40%
end in abortion; 13% in a miscarriage.
90%
of males and 80% of females are sexually active by the age of eighteen years.
One
in five girls will be date- raped, but only 5% report it.
50%
of teenagers think it is OK to force sex.
What
are the factors underlying this terrible state of affairs?
(A)
Dating (contrary to the Bible) makes "provision for the flesh" (Rom
Dating
is in direct contradiction of the following scriptures that admonish us to flee
youthful lusts (Eph
(b)
Naive views of human sexuality
It
is naive to think that an invitation to a Bible study has no romantic
connotations, or to think that any form of male/female touching is not sexual -
a "touch" is sexual. (1Cor 7:1; Gen 20:4, 6; Proverbs 6:29). It is
good for a man not to touch a woman. It is naive to think that a woman is able
to make decisions limiting sexual activity in an unsupervised context. The
prevalence of date rape proves that it is impossible for a woman to guarantee
she can say no, after one hour of introductory intimacy. It ignores the
biological facts of human sexuality. Sexual desires are not designed to be
started and stopped over and over again! Finally, it is naive to think that it
is all a matter of self-control. What is self-control: one kiss, or two, or
four, or five? What is the self-control time limit in a kiss? Who's going to
time it?
Self-control
means refraining from sexual touch of any kind, at least until covenantal
engagement. This is not a platonic relationship which regards the body as evil,
but a spiritual relationship which regards the body as good. So good that I
dare not touch what does not yet belong to me. Only marriage relinquishes ownership
of one's "good" body to one's partner.
Parents
must overcome this naivety when a teen complains about parental restrictions.
To the all too common gibe, "You don't trust me," the only possible
answer is - "True! I wouldn't trust myself either in those
circumstances." If I wouldn't allow myself to be alone in a car with a
woman other than my wife, why should I trust my teenagers?
(c)
Inadequate understanding of the inheritance of virginity
Virginity
is not just refraining from what I want to do before marriage, but bringing an
inheritance into a marriage by the presentation of a pure body. An inheritance
of passion all stored and reserved for one partner, and an inheritance of
security in a partner with a proven track record of faithfulness and self-control.
(d)
Parental foolishness
It
is parents who open the door to an obsession with sex. You may think that your
children pick things up at school. Yes, but from whom? From those whose parents
have opened the door?
Most
parents think it is cute and natural to see their children's growing
fascination with the opposite sex. It doesn't matter because they survived the
dating system, and here they are in church loving God. But they are still
reaping what they sowed, often in a later generation who bear the fruit of
their careless immoral ways.
Parental
foolishness starts early on in the pre-teens, where crushes are condoned, and
the habit of living in fantasies is established. It can all sound so cute
coming from a ten-year old, but any notion of seeing others as "special
friends" needs to be addressed at that age. Any signs of attempts to catch
the eye of others with make-up, style of dress, hair, phone calls,
attention-seeking behavior, must be addressed parentally at that age. Dates
occur in the imagination before they actually happen if children have an
expectation that dating is normal. Watch for isolationism where a child
withdraws into a fantasy world dreaming of being together with somebody else
emotionally.
(i)
What they watch
There is a very close correlation between sexual pre-occupation,
standards of family TV viewing and music habits. We cannot underestimate the
enticement to sexual impurity with which we are constantly bombarded in the
media today.
Our
teenagers are bombarded with sensual and lustful images - commercials, movies,
magazines etc. They are surrounded by peers talking about who thinks who is
cute, what their first kiss was like, and they are informed about sex education
material they do not know how to handle.
This
is a violation of the Word of God. We must train a generation that is innocent,
not worldly-wise. (Rom16:19, 20). It is the only way in which our young people
will have peace. (Phil 4:8.9).
(ii)
Watch what they wear
The Bible gives clear guidelines about the requirement for a
distinctiveness between masculinity and femininity (Deut 22:5; 1Cor 11:14,15);
about modesty (1Tim 2:9,10; 1Pet 3:3,4); about not drawing attention to our
bodies, but bringing attention to our character and behavior (eg cleanliness,
thoughtfulness, carefulness)
3.
Relational Pressure
Our
young people need relationships. They need to learn how to relate to members of
the opposite sex. But does dating help or hinder them in this process?
a) The
starting place for building relationships
Teenagers
often express the need for a boy/girlfriend in terms of needing to overcome
loneliness, to have somebody who understands, somebody who cares. The antidote
to that loneliness is not dating it is family and fellowship.
Family:
Most teens sense alienation from their family and parents. We call this modern
phenomenon "The Generation Gap." It is both real and unreal. It is
unreal because there is no biological inevitability that teenagers will go
through a phase of separation and rebellion towards their parents. It is real,
because where parents have failed to build relationships with their children,
in many instances, the Gap appears. It is a phenomenon largely symptomatic of a
departure from biblical parenting. The antidote is creating, from early
childhood, an atmosphere of security, love and worthwhile activities that would
give no cause for a sensible teenager to want to look elsewhere for a life.
Fellowship:
The second context where the Bible speaks of relationships is in the church,
which is, in essence, an extended family. The church provides a setting where
all kinds of relationships can be established with absolute purity. Young
people need to be trained gradually to relate on a broader scale than the
family, and there is no need for exclusive boy/girl friendships to learn how to
relate to the opposite sex. To belong to the Body of Christ is a wonderful
privilege, enabling us to prepare our children for relationships in the world
within secure boundaries. It is an extension of relating as brothers and
sisters, and in a group context that can occur with absolute purity, as it did
with Jesus. (Luke 8:2, 3;
The
antidote to loneliness is fellowship, not dating; the need is for friendship,
not sexuality, The exclusiveness of romantic relationships precludes building
friendships. Dating substitute’s sensual feelings for friendship, passion for honor
and respect, foolish jesting for thankfulness, our pleasure for His business.
b) The
starting place for destroying relationships
Dating
creates relationships built on insecurity. There is no commitment by either
party to continue beyond the first date, and there may be others they would
consider dating given the opportunity. They both know that.
The
main purpose of dating is to try out as many partners as possible in the
process of looking for the perfect one. Thus, by definition, breaking up is as
common as dating itself. There are more pop songs written about breaking up
than pairing up. Dating becomes a preparation for handling divorce, not a preparation
for building a permanent marriage. We were designed for sexual involvement with
one partner, but we get used to the idea of rejecting and being rejected in the
search for the perfect relationship. The more dates you have, the more the
boundaries become blurred. Rejection becomes a way of life, and saying "I
love you'' becomes meaningless. It is no more than saying, "At this moment
in time, I find you sexually attractive." We learn to break covenant at a
whim; we learn to follow our emotions and desires. If it doesn't work out, we
can simply break it off. It provides no training for having to work it out for
the long haul. It is practice in divorce at an early age.
Dating
builds insecurity into relationships. Imagine a marriage without scars of
rejection to overcome, with a partner you can trust, because you have not been
spoiled by earlier partners who have proved untrustworthy. Imagine a
relationship without having other faces in your mind and the comparisons that
ensue against the spouse that God has given you. Imagine having no pornographic
images of Miss Universe with which to tarnish the beauty of the wife who is at
your side.
c) The
only place for exclusive relationships
In
scripture, one-on-one male/female relationships are always exclusively marriage
relationships. They only occur in marriage, or in anticipation of marriage.
(Gen
Recreational
dating envisions a one-on-one relationship apart from marriage, but it should
be no surprise when it leads to its intended climax - becoming one flesh. God
designed us that way! To try to survive exclusive relationships sexually
unscathed is like fighting against the grain of creation.
So
how are we supposed to find a way to arrive at those exclusive relationships
which prove to be marriages made in heaven? We must break out of the mould of
our culture.
II. The alternative to dating is not courtship
Introduction
The
word about the inappropriateness of dating has got out, but I'm not entirely
happy with the response - which is usually an attempt to adapt the system
rather than discard it. These attempts usually take one of two forms. Firstly,
there is an attempt to take the risk out of it, so we talk about double-dating,
where in reality peer supervision is no more and no less than peer pressure.
Secondly, there is an attempt to put something substantial into it, so we tell
our teenagers that dating is no longer possible, courtship is the way to go.
Because
of this misconception, we have actually made the problem worse. Knowing that
they are not allowed to have casual friendships (falling in and out of love),
young people are led to believe that they can have exclusive relationships with
the opposite sex through courting. They can become as pre-occupied with
courting as they can with dating, which is worse, because it has the added
pressure of the seriousness of marriage. Teenagers do not need the frivolity of
casual dating, nor do they need the intensity of serious courtship.
Courtship
is not the alternative to dating. I believe in courtship, but courting is what
a man and woman do in preparation for marriage. Courting is not what Christian
teenagers do instead of dating.
Courtship
is essential in its proper place, but unessential for our young people as a
contrived form of dating. What is the alternative? What should they be doing
with their teenage years?
1. It
is a time for "Father's Business."
Jesus
has to be the model teenager. Although we don't know much about what happened
during his teenage years, we do know what his focus was. (Luke 2:49). Most
teenagers see these years as a time for "my fun" but Jesus saw them
as a time for his Father's business.
We
will never evidence a radical change in our young people until we are convinced
that teenage years are not supposed to be years of care-free, independent,
experimental, frivolous self-gratification. They are to be years of training
and preparation. Our culture has emphasized external fun more than internal preparation;
the result is a generation that is both unhappy and unprepared.
Teenage
years are a time to lay a foundation and start to practice "being about
Father's business," thereby discovering calling and destiny. It is to be a
preparation for life.
The
preparation of young people for marriage is one of God's great purposes for the
church. It is not accomplished by setting up a dating pattern that is built on
the same sinful pattern as the world, except that it is practiced between
believers rather than unbelievers. It is rather a preparation that is
accomplished by emphasis on character, life skills, ministry opportunities; all
of which tend to get ignored by young people pre-occupied with their latest
boy/girlfriend.
2. It
is a time of preparation under parental supervision
Consider
again what we know about Jesus' teenage years. (Luke 2:51, 52). This is
entirely consistent with the whole of the Bible. The emphasis is on the
father's responsibility, and the preparation under his supervision for the
teenager to be able to become responsible. In Old Testament law, a father has
particular responsibility for his daughters in the biblical pattern. He was
expected to be able to guarantee his daughter's virginity (Deut
If
another man violates that by becoming sexually involved with his daughter, two
things happen (Deut 22; 28, 29), the two should get married and the man must
pay the father a dowry. We can learn from this that there is no such thing as
sex without responsibility.
The
principle is seen in the dowry system. In the Bible, the dowry is a
demonstration of assuming financial responsibility. The man who has a sexual
relationship with a girl has to marry her; he must assume responsibility for
her and her children. He cannot just walk away from it all. If he does, because
he has had to pay a dowry, the father has money to provide alimony for his
daughter's financial security.
The
dowry was customarily three years wages, about $100,000 in today's money. That
would make a teenage boy think twice! But the issue is not primarily money, it
is responsibility. The problem of our culture is not merely sexual immorality,
it is also sexual irresponsibility. In a biblical pattern there is no escape
from responsibility. Teenage years are a preparation for responsibility, not
for irresponsibility. To get married, there is going to be a dowry to pay and
that dowry will require years of work! When we see teenage years characterized
by irresponsibility, we know we have missed the mark. Parental supervision is
designed to train toward responsibility.
3. It
is a time of warfare
Young
people are built for warfare (Ps 8:2; 127:3-5; 1Jn
The
enemy can be resisted, however. Young people are built for war! To be a force
against evil, we need to train an innocent generation. (Rom
They
may feel inadequate and they may say, "I don't have a testimony of how God
delivered me from a life of gross sin," The answer to that is
"Great!" "You do have a testimony of how the Lord kept you from
a life of terrible sin." A testimony of God keeping us from evil is at
least as powerful as one about how God delivered us from evil, and that saves a
lot of heartache along the way.
The
time of one's youth provides the greatest opportunity, while carrying the least
responsibilities, to damage the enemy's kingdom. That is why the bible talks
about singleness as a gift, and as a good gift at that. (1Corinthianas
4. It
is a time for prayer
Teenagers
should be praying for a husband or a wife, not a boyfriend or a girlfriend. So
should their parents on their behalf, because finding a partner is a matter of
faith, not striking lucky when playing the field. It does not necessarily
require being part of a large crowd. For example, see Ruth 2:3 (though the
process was aided by family directives). Prayer is especially important in
seeking the preservation of the purity of a future mate, and the preparation of
his/her character.
5. It
is a time for teamwork
One
factor in high divorce rates is that couples build relationships on the basis
of romance, not of working together. Adam and Eve met and married in the
context of work, hence the word "helpmeet." Youth and singleness
provide an opportunity for people to learn to work together.
Sadly,
too many young people learn to live for themselves and their own pleasure. They
don't know how to work for the common good, to work as a team. They will take
the same self-centeredness into marriage because they do not know the fulfillment
of accomplishing something together. The first place to learn teamwork is the
family, then there comes the need for group projects such as team ministry.
Team
ministry requires some external purpose, a reason for sacrifice. When that
vision is clear, self-denial is possible and working together begins. It opens
up the possibility of far greater success than we can achieve on our own, and
it is the best context in which to build friendships rather than the modern
preoccupation with talking about relationships. When you focus on knowing one
another, you become introverted. When you focus on a goal, you get to know one
another. It is there where you learn to communicate, and then that you don't
worry about what to talk about!
The
environment of ministry is the best place to find a mate, for there you see the
possibility of being equally yoked. Rather than building relationships on
physical attraction, teenagers and young singles need to discover what they are
really looking for in a partner. They are able to do this through the intensity
of ministry and a sense of inadequacy in being able alone to fulfill the call
of God on their life. They need to build friendships of loyalty and
faithfulness that do not get discarded when emotions change.
6. It
is a time for friendship
Biblically
the word friend has the implication of close associate or neighbor. It is used
in the context of two people who pasture in the same field, i.e. friends who
work together in a common goal. So what are the ingredients of true friendship
that our young people need, and how do these tie up with the dating game? Take time
to see what God has to say about friends in the following scriptures:
Proverbs
18:24 - Friends come in limited numbers
John 15:13 - Friends are servants
John 15:15 - Friends are intimate confidants
Proverbs 17:17 - Friends are loyal
Proverbs 27:9 - Friends give good advice
Proverbs 27:6 - Friends give correction
Job 6:14 - Friends give encouragement
Proverbs 27:17,19 - Friends are honest
Proverbs 17:9 - Friends are trustworthy.
On
the basis of such criteria, parents need to monitor relationships so that these
possibilities for genuine friendship develop. The contra indication, however,
is seen in 1 Corinthians 15:33.
These
criteria are the ingredients our young people need. This is the alternative to
dating. With these in place, they will be prepared and ready for the time when
God opens up the possibility of marriage. Not until they know that they are
ready to start thinking about the responsibilities of a spouse, a home, and a
family should they start thinking about an exclusive relationship. There is no
set age when that becomes appropriate. For some, the readiness and maturity
comes early. For others, even if they are ready, God has other plans than early
marriage. For some, singleness will be a life-long gift, an opportunity to
serve God in different ways than is possible for those with family
responsibilities.
III. What's right with courtship?
Introduction
What
is "courtship?" Webster's 1828 dictionary defines it as: "The
act of soliciting favor. The act of wooing in love. Solicitation of a woman to
marriage. Civility; elegance of manners."
Three
things about courtship stand out. It has to do with marriage. It is not casual
dating, it is a relationship with a view to marriage. It has a lot to do with
manners; there is an appropriate way to behave. It also has to do with law. It
involves a "court". Following appropriate procedures, the suitability
of marriage is put to the test, brought to the court. Feelings and leadings are
tested and proved in the court where witnesses will confirm God is indeed
calling two people to be married. That's why Webster’s also speaks of a synonym
for courting - being a suitor. A man in presenting his suit, is declaring the
justice of his claim for the hand of a woman. Courtship is lawful, dating is
lawless.
1.
Preparing a case for your date in court
A
man has to be able to present a case to support his claim for the hand of a
man's daughter. The importance of this preparation is seen in the biblical
principle of the dowry.
Jacob
agreed to work for seven years to marry Rachel. He was not prepared initially,
so he had to work for a dowry, and he had to work longer than most. The normal
dowry was about three year's wages ($100,000). Why? According to biblical law,
it was a kind of insurance policy. It provided protection for the wife and
children if the husband should die, or renege on his marriage vows in divorce.
As we have seen (Ex
The
dowry was a gift of love from the groom to the bride. It was also a guarantee
of an inheritance. Jacob loved Rachel enough to offer to work seven years and
wait seven years, and even to wait another seven years when tricked into first
marrying Leah.
a)
Financial preparation
This
biblical principle certainly cautions us against marriage without prior
economic preparation. It does not mean only rich people get married, for the
solution is not inheritance but work. Today, insurance policies can offer
similar security but, more importantly, we must continue to see courtship as
the demonstration of suitability for marriage. The father has to be convinced
that he is being responsible in handing over his daughter. $100,000 is a figure
that would convince many fathers!
Traditionally,
the bride has brought a dowry into the marriage as well. The father of the
bride, according to an old American custom, gave her a cow, which was intended
to be the mother of a new herd to supply milk and meat for the new family.
Either way, both parties came into marriage prepared for the future.
b)
Character preparation
The
dowry is as much a matter of bringing character as bringing finances into a
marriage. Adam demonstrated his ability to work in the calling God gave him
before Eve was brought to him. This was a father's protection of Eve. Who else
was she to marry? There was nobody else around! God ensured, for her
protection, that Adam was established in his calling before marriage became a
possibility. In scripture we can see that Adam understood his calling (Gen
We
can see similar preparation necessary in a wife. (Proverbs 31). She is active
in ministry (Proverbs 20-22);
she is known for her diligence (vs 15-19,27); she is trustworthy (vs
11,12) and she is virtuous (vs 10,30).
2.
Passing judgment on the case in court
To
whom does the suitor present his case? The Bible is clear on the role of the
father in this matter. The Bible speaks of those who "marry and are given
in marriage". It is the role of a father to give away what is his own,
even as God the Father brought the first woman to man. The daughter is then to
be given as a virgin (1Cor
The
courtship process provides an opportunity for paternal investigation of the
suitor, with particular reference to his godliness, doctrine, worldview, family
values, financial responsibility, and work ethic. Any man who is irked by such
parental care has such a weak view of fatherhood that I wouldn't want him to
become the father of my daughter's children, my grandchildren. Even if he
doesn't understand it he'll toil for my daughters if he loves them (Jacob with
Rachel).
Dating
removes the parental involvement in marriage, but we are not advocating
arranged marriages without the consent of the children. (Gen 24:50,51,and 58).
In practice, it was the parents of the bride whose consent was legally needed,
for she is under her father's covering and these only changes on marriage.
Courtship, being a legal matter is looking for the credibility of the testimony
of witnesses, and the most obvious witnesses to call are the parents. If two
young people cannot convince their own parents about the suitability of
marriage, there is probably something seriously wrong, as has been demonstrated
in the experiences of countless people.
Courtship
starts at home. There, what Jehle calls "a covenant of purity" is
established. A father determines to prepare his son to be a faithful husband.
The father of a future bride determines to win and retain his daughter's heart
until he is ready to give that heart to her future husband. That is only possible
in an atmosphere of secure leadership, natural affection and a loving
relationship.
The
possibility of such courtship becomes more feasible where church and school
support rather than undermine such a covenant of purity being established in
the home. Corporately, we set a different tone. Walter Trobisch advocated the
development of the "etad" - the opposite of a date. It is any
activity where adults and young people are together, treating one another with honor
and respect; providing a context for friendship, relationship and shared
activity
3. The
legal proceedings of the court
a)
Prayer
The
process of preparing for marriage begins with years of prayer. Prayer by the
parents from the early age of a child; later supplemented by the prayers of the
young people themselves.
b)
Involvement in work/ministry
In
Gen 24:16 we see that Rebekah was at the well, which is a place of service and
a place of public interaction. Meanwhile, Isaac was many miles away in the
field, which was his place of work and prayer (Gen 24:63). He was not out
dating or flirting, yet God found him a wife.
c)
Developing friendships
Friendships
do not need to begin in an exclusive way. In the early stages, group settings
are far more conducive to balanced friendships, rather than intensely physical
relationships. Courtship provides a context for communication and the
foundation for a future marriage built on relationship and romance.
Communication should not be based on lust or touch, but on working together.
As
the friendship develops, it should be pursued increasingly in the context of
the family. Chaperonage does not prohibit private conversation, but it puts it
into a safe context and combines it with natural larger group settings. Church
families must provide such settings when natural families do not exist.
d)
Confirmation by witnesses
At
this stage, the prospect of a serious relationship can be spoken about openly.
Proper confirmation of the appropriateness of this is only possible when
families have been involved in the relationship. How else can they offer
testimony in this court unless they have been first-hand witnesses to the
relationship? Everything prior to engagement is done in the openness of family
(Gen 24:28).
e)
Engagement
With
parental confirmation, the prospective bride can now give a confident and
joyful "Yes!" The transition away from her father's house begins, but
it is a transition that has already been sealed with covenant. Engagement is
not yet marriage, but it is not casual. Engagement is covenantal, thus, to
break off courtship is a serious thing.
From
this point on, there is appropriate time alone. The larger responsibilities and
wider friendships should not be dropped, for they will still be there after
marriage. There are still guidelines, however, for appropriate behavior, as
ultimately the girl is still under her father's covering. It is his
responsibility to present her to her husband on their wedding day as a virgin.
Restrictions
on the freedom of a courting couple are the prerogative of the girl's father.
But they need not be isolationist; a degree of physical contact may be a matter
of Christian liberty. Guidelines during the engagement should be established on
the basis of the maturity of the couple, length of the engagement and the
previous history of the parties and their relationship.
f)
Wedding ceremony
With
a wedding ceremony, covenant vows and family blessing (Gen 24:60) finalize the
legal proceedings. The reception is a public celebration whereby the newly
married couple are received into the wider circle of family and friends, and
bestowed with gifts and honor.
g)
Consummation (Gen 24:67)
Conclusion
Doubtless,
there will be objections raised. "Won't my kids get out of touch with
their friends?" "Will it not be impossible to find a spouse?"
"What about my daughter, doesn't this make things especially difficult for
her?" Yes, there will be a rising feeling of insecurity when we are faced
with giving up something that has been part of our thinking for so long. It
requires a step of faith, but we can be encouraged by the fact that the way of
godliness is always the way of maximum blessing.
Ultimately,
this issue is a matter of parental responsibility rather than church policy, as
we indicated at the beginning, but it will be a practical help if such
principles are adopted by a whole church thereby reducing the sense of
alienation.
Some
will say, but doesn't this approach take out all sense of romance? The quick
answer is, Yes and No! We have to ask ourselves, do we really want this thing
called romance if it only equates with sexuality? Do we want that to be part of
adolescent years? If it is saved, there will be a legitimate passion for the
wife of one's youth (Proverbs
Originally published in U-TURN
as of 10-25-2004