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James Sherman
Recently
my oldest son and I spent a day with a family that has a daughter his
age. As the parents of these adult children we had arranged the meeting
to allow them to meet one another in a protected and family-oriented
atmosphere. There was a sense of joy and fellowship and some excitement
for us all as we wondered how this meeting might develop. This will
be the first of a series of such meetings as my wife and I have eight
children: four boys, then three girls, and finally another son.
As I have prepared for this time of my life I have been struck by the
difference in my attitude with the process of helping my sons find a
mate and with the same process for my daughters. I have the feeling
that the time is ripe for my oldest son to start his own household.
I have prepared him and taught him as well as I can; I protected him
when he was tender and challenged him to maturity as he grew older.
Now I regard him as an adult whom I admire, respect and love. I will
offer him my counsel and help but will no longer be in authority over
him as I was just a few years ago. As he goes from under my umbrella
of protection and authority and establishes his position directly accountable
to God, I know he will make mistakes but I have confidence in his preparedness
and God’s grace.
For my daughters, though, I sensed that my release of them would be
qualitatively different. My expectations of the circumstances were different;
my preparation would be different. I sensed the difference but wondered
what God's Word had to say on the subject. Hence this study.
The covering of authority
God places men and women differently in the structure of authority.
Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ (so as
my son matures and can function as a man, I release him from my authority
to that of Christ) and the head of the woman is man, and the head of
Christ is God. (1 Corinthians 11:3) This passage says to me that as
my daughter matures and becomes a woman that she remains needful of
the protection and authority of a man. As her father, I am that authority
until she moves from my authority to that of another man. There are
possible exceptions, but most commonly that transition is to her husband.
My son is working in another city. I am comfortable allowing him to
make unsupervised decisions regarding friends, place of worship, and
leisure activities. I would not be as comfortable with a daughter of
the same age. God's word indicates to me that regardless of her age,
commitment to godliness, ability to discern good from evil, etc., that
it is my responsibility to function as her authority until I turn that
right, or burden, over to another.
A transfer of authority to someone other than a husband would be unusual.
Temporarily, the man in charge of an overseas missionary team might
function as my delegated authority. Before I would allow that there
would be a clear understanding between us of how seriously I regarded
that honor! Scripture gives us a principle for this circumstance in
Exodus 21:7-8: If a man sells his daughter as a servant, she is not
to go free as man servants do. If she does not please the master who
has selected her for himself, he must let her be redeemed. He has no
right to sell her to foreigners because he has broken faith with her.
While the specific situation would be different, the principle is clearly
that the daughter's authority must revert back to the father when it
has been temporarily transferred to another man. This passage and principle
would also apply following a divorce or death of a husband.
A second situation of transfer of authority outside marriage involves
the death of a father. Numbers 36 describes a situation following the
death of Zelophehad, a man who had no sons. His land was inherited by
his daughters. In order that the land not passes out of the clan upon
their marriage, Moses directed (as their spiritual authority) that they
must marry within their clan. The elders of the clan had come to Moses
with the problem. In this passage the principle appears to be that authority
over an orphaned daughter lies not only with her mother, but also with
the male relative (older men within the clan) and pastors/elders (spiritual
authorities). The relationships of Esther and Mordecai and Ruth and
Naomi give additional insights into this complex issue.
Finding God’s choice for a mate
The far more expected transfer of authority is to a husband. How then
should a father approach the marriage of his daughter? There is no need
even to consider this issue if the daughter has rejected God's principles
or has never been taught them. If she is out from under her father’s
authority and protection to start with, there can be no transfer. That
which I do not have, I cannot give. Just as I give Christ the authority
over my life and willingly obey His command, so must my daughter willingly
allow me the authority over her, and willingly submit to her husband.
Let us assume that my daughter has been raised in a godly home and more
than anything else desires God's best in her life, and trusts Him to
work through her father, a man whose failings and weaknesses she knows
well. What then, as fathers, shall we do?
Fortunately, God gives very clear directions. Do not intermarry with
them; do not give your daughters to their sons (Deut. 7:3). But if you
turn away and ally yourselves with the survivors of these nations...
and if you intermarry with them... they will become traps and snares
for you, whips on your back and thorns in your eyes (Josh.
23:12).
Under the old covenant, marriage was restricted to another covenant
child of God. Likewise in the new covenant, marriage is limited to a
child of the new covenant, another Christian. Do not be yoked together
with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common?
Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? (2 Corinthians 6:14)
But as is frequently the case, the principle here is broader than it
was under the old covenant. There marriage was limited. Under the principle
of 2 Corinthians 6 fellowships and any other yoking together is limited.
I believe this would limit any boy-girl relationship for my children
to a fellow believer. In directing this I need to be as sure as I can
be that my child is a believer lest they be a snare or trap to someone
who assumes their salvation because they are my child.
The foregoing mention of boy-girl relationships is not an acknowledgment
of dating as it is practiced in our day. Dating is, in my view, a dangerous
temptation to our youth and a wasteful abuse of God's provision.
A marriage completely arranged by parents without the input of the couple
is also unscriptural. Under three things the earth trembles, under four
it cannot bear up; a servant who becomes king, a fool who is full of
food, and unloved woman who is married, and a maidservant who displaces
her mistress. (Proverbs 30:21-23) Love in a marriage after the initial
rush of excitement is a result of commitment to one another and of understanding
and meeting a mate's needs. Love grows in a good marriage. An unloved
woman then is one whose husband is not committed to her, will not meet
her needs; does not have her best interests at heart, and who does not
understand his relationship with Christ and his wife. It is my responsibility
along with my daughter to try to assure that this will not happen to
her. That will require father and daughter to spend time with the man.
During the time the daughter is alone with a prospective mate, she is
at some increased danger. Initially, neither father nor daughter may
know the man well. In 2 Samuel 13 David sends Tamar, his daughter, to
visit her half brother Amnon who rapes her. David was insensitive in
sending her and absolutely derelict in his response to her rape. He
thus set in motion a series of events culminating in a civil war. Jacob
was careless with his daughter Dinah and she also was raped (Gen. 34).
Interestingly, in both these cases the father was less concerned about
his daughter than the political consequences of the conflict, and it
fell to the girl's brothers to respond. As my daughter spends time with
a potential mate, the circumstances need to be appropriate and safe.
Additional insights are given in Genesis 24 as Abraham sends his servant
back to his country of origin to find a wife for Isaac. We normally
look at this story from the perspective of Abraham or the servant but
there is profit in viewing it from the perspective of Bethuel, the father
of Rebekah. Abraham directed his servant, go to my father’s family and
to my own clan, and get a wife for my son (v 38). Bethuel knew the family
of Isaac. He knew Abraham's faith and his strength. He knew the kind
of home in which Isaac was raised; he knew something of their values.
My daughters are not 1st generation Christians. They have been sheltered
from much of the sinfulness of the world. They will come into a marriage
relationship with a long list of expectations about their relationship
with their husband, about his role in protecting them, about how their
children will be raised, about their role in family, community, and
church, and about appropriateness of dress, leisure activities, and
social interactions. As we know so well, all these issues may be approached
differently even within the Christian community. 1st generation Christians
frequently are unaware of all the worldly views and attitudes they carry
into their Christian walk and into their families. An equal yoking would
require some agreement on many of the above areas and as a minimum an
understanding of each other’s perspectives prior to marriage. If my
son married a new Christian the difference in background would cause
difficulty which could be overcome with patience and loving leadership.
For me to allow my daughter to marry a man brought up in a pagan family
would be more difficult and would require the potential husband to submit
to a period of discipleship.
Bethuel saw evidence of faith. The LORD, before whom I have walked,
will send his angel with you and make your journey a success so that
you can get a wife for my son (v 40). In this instance the statement
and evidence of faith was Abraham's. Isaac's faith was assumed from
the father's profession. For a man to marry my daughter I will need
to hear a statement of faith from him and see evidence of that faith
in his life.
Is complete economic independence needed?
Bethuel saw evidence of the ability to provide for his daughter. When
the camels had finished drinking, the man took out a gold nose ring
weighing a beka, and two gold bracelets weighing ten shekels (v22).
In the custom of that day, Rebecca and Isaac would live with Abraham.
Isaac would work for his father, under his protection, and eventually
become master of his own holdings. Jacob worked for his father-in-law
during the first part of his marriage and only after many years gained
his independence. We today have an expectation that our children should
be completely independent when they marry. For many, that may be unrealistic.
A prospective husband should have a plan and see a path. Some provision
for a wife must be made but that provision might include a period of
support from either or both sets of parents. There are dangers in being
financially dependent on parents in a marriage. Great sensitivity is
necessary to avoid using finances to put pressure on a young couple
in decisions they make. But the financial pressure of unpaid bills can
be a great marital stress also. A potential husband needs to have an
understanding of budgeting, financial accountability, and a scriptural
understanding of debt.
Bethuel saw evidence of the Lord's direction. This is from the LORD;
we can say nothing to you one way or the other (v 50). While miraculous
prophetic signs are not likely to be given, I will certainly be alert
to God's direction and pray for His wisdom as I counsel my daughter.
The final decision to go ahead with a marriage is not mine. Then they
said, let us call the girl and ask her about it. So they called Rebecca
and asked her, ‘Will you go with this man?’ ‘I will go,’ she said (vv
57, 58). I have the right to veto an inappropriate union but have no
right to force my daughter into a marriage. Ideally it will be a unanimous
decision involving two sets of parents and two single adults.
I find in God's Word that I have a responsibility to my daughter to
discuss with a potential husband his faith, his family, and his finances.
I need to make him aware of my daughter’s background, the family values
under which she has been raised, and areas in which she has special
talent or special needs. My purpose is not to force them into recreating
my family; by God's grace they can do much better! My purpose is to
prepare him thoroughly to be what God wants him to be, the best possible
husband for my daughter.
In contrast to the above process, consider Genesis 19, the story of
Lot
and his family.
Lot's
daughters were pledged to marry two men of
Sodom.
These men may have been handsome and rich but they were not godly, not
teachable, and not serious-minded. They were destroyed in
Sodom
and in the series of tragedies which followed,
Lot's
daughters gave birth to
Moab
and Ben-Ammi, the fathers of two nations despised by God.
A father’s continuing interest in his daughter
Having fulfilled all the foregoing and seeing his daughter married,
a father's responsibility to her is not ended. For this reason a man
will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they
will become one flesh (Gen. 2:24). It doesn't say the wife will leave
her family, perhaps because the transfer of authority from father to
husband makes that clear. Perhaps though the father still has some responsibility
for his daughter. Deuteronomy 22:13-19 shows a father intervening to
protect his daughter when she is slandered by her husband. Combined
with Matthew 18:15-17 God shows clearly how parents might become involved
in a daughters defense. Clearly, great sensitivity and caution would
be necessary in these situations. Laban said to Jacob as they parted,
May the LORD keep watch between you and me when we are away from each
other. If you mistreat my daughter or if you take any wives beside my
daughter, even though no one is with us, remember that God is a witness
between you and me (Gen. 31:49-50).
A father and a son-in-law have much in common. They are both heads of
households with responsibilities of self-sacrifice to those in their
care. They both operate as intermediaries in God's chain of authority
and protection. The daughter has passed from the loving authority of
one to that of another. They are united in their love, affection, and
willingness to sacrifice for her. The bond that develops as a result
of their shared interest and position will mature through the time of
discipleship and become strong in shared friendship, love, and purpose.
The marriage of a daughter is indeed not the loss of a daughter but
a gain—the gain not of a son but of a brother in Christ.
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