Family-Based Youth Ministry
NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: In May 1995 I wrote the following letter to the pastor of
a church seeking a Family Pastor committed to family-based ministry. The church
was committed to keeping the family together, but still felt the need for a
separated youth ministry for its young people. I wrote this letter in an
attempt to challenge them with what would be a radical approach for most
churches: having a youth ministry but with no youth group. I pray that it will
challenge you the reader as much as it did me in writing it. The letter has
been revised and is adapted for print with all names being changed.
Dear Pastor Jim:
Hi, Jim, I hope this letter finds you and your family well. Since our long
phone conversations last week I have felt prompted to share some reflections
while they are still relatively fresh in mind. First of all, thanks for your
stimulating thoughts and gracious listening. I very much enjoyed sharing our
hearts as relates to people and ministry. Although it sounds like you as a
church are leaning toward having an age separated youth group, may I be so bold
as to suggest an alternative approach for your young people: to merge the youth
and family goals into one without separating the ages.
Let me explain why I feel this approach is better by describing a hypothetical
church. Let us assume that one of the goals of this church is maintaining
and/or regaining closeness in family relationships and re-establishing dads as
godly spiritual leaders of their families and mentors of their children. Let us
also assume that this church establishes this goal because it is committed to
family-based ministry to dads, parents and youth (quoted from the ministry
position sheet you sent). This church feels that Scripture places the
responsibility for child-rearing squarely and solely upon parents according to
Gen. 18:18-19; Deut. 4:9-10; 6:6-9; all of Proverbs; Mal. 4:6; Luke 1:17; Eph.
6:4; etc. Also, let's assume that our hypothetical church adopts this goal of
family-based ministry because it is concerned about the effects on its children
of living in a world whose structures (e.g. school), values (e.g. mothers
working out of the home) and technology (e.g. TV) already separate family
members most waking hours of every day. It is concerned about the effects on
its children of living in a world whose values have
deteriorated greatly and have even penetrated the church itself, as most alert
believers would acknowledge.
Bear with me now, Jim — If all this were true of a
church and it stood at a crossroads seeking to decide what kind of a ministry
to have for its children and youth in order to accomplish this goal, what
approach do you think that church would take?
Please understand, Jim, I have made this hypothetical because I do not want to
assume things that may not be true there at
Take my church's own youth group for example. No doubt much spiritual growth
took place in the kids who went on the missions trip
last Easter. No doubt they learned much about serving others, sharing the
Gospel, loving selflessly, praying, suffering hardship, learning humility,
depending on God, etc. These are all important goals for youth, but I would be
willing to bet that very little was accomplished in terms of the family goal mentioned
above. I would think very little could have occurred in terms of turning the
hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to
their fathers. What I mean is that unless a parent sponsor happened to go,
there would be no opportunity for any of those 100+ kids to learn all these
important things and share all these vital experiences in such a way as to also
strengthen family bonds and repair ailing family relationships.
Again, I am not saying youth group activities are in themselves bad (the missions trip changed lives). Rather, I am suggesting that
everything that can be accomplished (that is, instruction in the Lord,
wholesome activity, service to God and others, reaching unbelievers, keeping
kids out of trouble, etc.) through a typical youth activity or trip can also be
accomplished through a family-based activity or trip while at the same time
re-establishing dads as spiritual leaders in the home, strengthening family
relationships and avoiding the peer dependence that occurs in most youth
groups. That is why I was so excited to hear of that group of families in your
church that is going on a mission trip to an Indian reservation! It is
precisely that kind of activity that can teach all those valuable life lessons,
provide plenty of peer group exposure with parent(s) present, and have great
potential for re-establishing parent-child relationships that have been
strained. Again, family-based ministry can do everything that a youth group can
do and much more, while greatly reducing peer problems and potentially
strengthening family bonds. That's good news—not surprising since it lines up
with biblical teaching on the family.
Now let me say a few words about this peer issue I have raised. The need for
reducing negative peer influence and replacing it with the influence of godly
parents is certainly not new with me. Proverbs
As parents we intellectually acknowledge this total depravity in our children.
But it seems to stop with our minds. If we really believe our children are
foolish by nature and vulnerable and susceptible (like the young man lacking
sense in Proverbs 5), why do we group them together so much apart from our
direct guidance as parents? Children (esp. younger ones), when given enough
time and opportunity, will follow their nature and will soon do in the absence
of their parents what they would never do in their presence (assuming good
discipline in the home, of course). Why is this? Well, it certainly is not the
child's fault. I think we can only blame ourselves as parents. Many of us
parents seem unaware of the danger of peer dependence because we ourselves are
peer dependent and, like the proverbial frog in boiling water, have slowly
adopted the values of the world almost unawares. Our children are merely
following us. And the sad part is that all of us suffer. When are we going to
wake up and start putting into shoe leather what the Bible teaches about our
children? If we would only take to heart the truth of
Proverbs
13:20 and 1 Corinthians 15:33, we would not be so shocked
that our church kids have adopted essentially the same moral compass as the
world (see Josh McDowell's book Right From Wrong).
Another thing I have seen is that children begin almost immediately to transfer
their loyalty from parents to peers when exposed to peers apart from parental
oversight and relationship. I saw something of this take place recently when a
family joined us for a weekend at the beach. My daughter and the daughter of
our friends (both 8 years old) were drawn like magnets to each other (again,
not bad in itself). I noticed that my daughter's behavior
(and attitude) were negatively affected and we were with her! Now they didn't
do anything terrible, but I purposely observed them and was greatly struck by
the power of peer relationships. After the weekend, I commented to my wife that
I was glad to have our daughter back again!
One other facet of this issue is that when children are under the influence of
peers, there will be value confusion. The reason is that, as you well know,
there are widely divergent values from one family to the next—even among
Christians. What is OK for one child is not OK for another, and the vast array
of choices presented to each child through their peers causes doubt and
insecurity. As a result, parents become unnecessarily embroiled in a battle to
maintain their standards and decisions in the face of great pressure. As you
know, when faced with this barrage, only the strongest of parents don't cave in
and lower their standards. Ironically, the strongest of parents probably won't
face this pressure much simply because they wisely limit and monitor the
exposure of their children to peers. They do so because they know that peers
plus depravity is too powerful for them to match. They humbly realize that
peers are in many ways more influential than parents and hence act accordingly
to protect their children. As for the charge of overprotection or not being
socialized, I would only say that all children will certainly be socialized by
someone; the important issue is by whom. As parents we have the privilege and
biblical responsibility to socialize our kids according to God's ways.
Along this line, I just heard a news story this morning about a study just
released from
As to the issue of rebellious teens who already have little relationship with
their dads and are already heavily swayed by the youth culture, you are right
in saying they may need other adults to help turn their hearts toward
reconciliation with parents. But let me ask you: What better context is there
for finding godly and mature mentors and for turning the rebellious heart to
reconciliation than in a setting of godly, mature adults who are passionate
about their children's welfare and are also committed to reconciliation? Both
the other adults and the parent of that rebellious teen will be present in a
family-based activity, thus optimizing the possibility of forgiveness,
reconciliation, and communication. I see the task of the third party adult
mentor as doing all he can to assist in bringing about reconciliation with
parents. Of course, all of this presumes a strong and unwavering commitment of
parents to their kids, Jim. Parents must be spiritually strong, personally
accountable, and leading by example, the more mature ones mentoring and helping
the ones who are struggling because of poor past choices.
As to the issue of the expectations of people in your church, may I offer some
thoughts? Being at present in a state of flux with regard to youth leadership
as you are now, and being desirous as church leaders of focusing on family
needs (evidenced by the name of the position you are offering: Family Minister),
your church could be in a very unique position to take this bold step toward
family-integrated youth work. If you were to gather all the parents of your
youth and ask them to share their goals for their kids, I think you would find
that the family-based approach would best reach those goals. You may also find
parents who are willing to do whatever it takes to achieve them.
I agree that you must not lead a church in a direction that its people will not
follow or in a direction for which they are not ready. However, it was evident
by what you said that you do not as a church desire the full-blown youth group
approach and that you struggle (as do all churches) with societal and peer
influences upon the kids. It is my humble opinion that if you try to do both
(i.e. meeting jointly with families and also separately as a youth group), you
will by the pressures of society and your own youth, end up doing the full-blown
youth group somewhere down the line anyway, thus making it harder (in my
opinion) to reach your goal for family-based ministry. If you disagree with
that assessment or if that scenario does not bother you, then, of course, you
should move in the direction God leads you. In any event, I would strongly
recommend that you talk with all your parents to determine just what it is that
they need and desire for their kids as well as what they are willing to do to
help. I am sure that you have been careful not to assume they really want
something until all other viable options have been presented to them. Perhaps
you have probably already done all this and feel you have exhausted all the
ideas. If so, great; God will lead you as you depend on Him.
Jim, we Christians lament the direction of our society and its influence upon
our children, yet I believe we continue to do things that contribute to the
problem, starting especially with our own lukewarmness
toward God and our responsibility as parents. Somehow we have come to feel that
dropping our kids off at Sunday School or youth group
fulfills our obligation to train up a child in the way he should go when in
reality it merely sets the stage for the creation of a generation gap, courtesy
of today's youth culture. Unless we parents wake up, get our eyes back on God,
and get focused on our parenting, the problem will continue. We need parents
who understand that parental accountability for their children cannot be
delegated to others. Realizing the buck stops with them, we need parents who
will make sacrifices for their kids. We need parents who are willing to take
bold measures, Jim, for gone are the Puritan days when society was kind to kids
and the things of God. Our children need protection
while they are young so they can stand strong for God on their own later and so
they can reach their potential for his kingdom. our
kids are suffering and many Christian parents have adopted the world's way of
doing things for too long. I urge you as a church to continue to think
biblically and boldly on these issues. Even if you disagree with the solution I
propose or the reasoning I give, the very discussion of these realities among
parents may motivate parents (esp. dads) to do whatever it takes to recapture
the hearts of their children. It will take time, humility, courage, and much
prayer, but it is never too late! Hang in there!
That is about all I wanted to say at this point, Jim. Forgive me if I seem too
forward in sharing all this. As I told you on the phone, I have strong feelings
on these things, but I really don't want to come across like I am preaching at
you. These are my convictions based on scriptural principles, but I recognize
you may see things differently. I would merely challenge you with these thoughts
and ask that you wrestle with them in your heart as you search the scriptures
and pray for guidance. Thanks for listening, Jim, and may God bless your
ministry there at
Respectfully yours in Christ,
Steve Haymond.