GOD'S WORD TO YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN
Marriage, Divorce and Adultery
Contents:
How to decide who is the right
one ?
Key
verses:
Gen 2.24: For this
reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,
and they will become one flesh.
Gen 2.18: It is not good for man to
be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.
1. A solution to loneliness:
Gen 2.18: It is not good for man to
be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.
2. To help each other through life:
Eccl 4.9-12: Two are better than
one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his
friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and
has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down
together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep
warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of
three strands is not quickly broken. ( see Gen 2.18
above )
3. To avoid sexual immorality:
1 Cor 7.2: But since there is so
much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own
husband. The husband should fulfil his marital duty
to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not
belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's
body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each
other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote
yourselves to prayer. Then come back together again so that Satan will not
tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not
as a command. I wish that all men were as I am. But
each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
4. Strong sex drive:
1 Cor 7.8-9: Now to the unmarried
and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry,
for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
5. To receive grace together:
1 Pet 3.7: Husbands, in the same way
be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the
weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that
nothing will hinder your prayers. Note: Your prayers will be more effective as
two than as one: "Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree
about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For
where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them" Mat
18:19-20.
6. Acting improperly while engaged:
1 Cor 7.36: If anyone thinks he is
acting improperly toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if she is getting
along in years and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is
not sinning. They should get married.
7. Bringing up children:
(Gen 1:27-28) So God created man in
his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created
them. {28} God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in
number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the
birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground."
Reasons not to marry: (Comments RKM: Pre 70AD--Last Days)
1. Living in the last days:
1 Cor 7.25-29: Now about virgins: I
have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgement
as one who by the Lord's mercy is trustworthy. Because of the present crisis, I
think that it is good for you to remain as you are. Are you married? Do not
seek a divorce. Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife. But
if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries she has not
sinned.
2. Those who marry will have
troubles (tribulation):
1 Cor 7.28: But those who marry
will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.
3. To have undivided devotion to the
Lord:
1 Cor 7.32-35: I would like you to
be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs -
how he can please the Lord. But the married man is
concerned about the affairs of this world - how he can please his wife - and
his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgins is
concerned about the Lords affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both
body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned
about the affairs of this world - how she can please her husband. I am saying
this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right
way in undivided devotion to the Lord.
4. Unable to consummate a marriage:
Mat 19.11-12: Not everyone can
accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given.
For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way
by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven.
The one who can accept this should accept it.
Who
can we marry ?
2 Cor 6.14-15: Do not be yoked
together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in
common? Or what fellowship can light have with
darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer
have in common with an unbeliever?
1 Cor 7.39 A woman is bound to her
husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies,
she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. Note:
an unbeliever may turn us from the Lord e.g. Neh 13.25-26.
Prov 18.22; He who finds a wife finds
what is good and receives favour from the Lord.
Prov 19.14: Houses and wealth are inherited
from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord.
Qualities to look for in a wife:
Prov 31:10-12,30: A wife of noble
character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full
confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm all
the days of her life.- Charm is deceptive, and beauty
is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
1 Pet 3.1-6: Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word,
they may be won over without words by the behaviour
of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your
beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the
wearing of gold jewellery and fine clothes. Instead,
it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet
spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy
women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful.
They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and
called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not
give way to fear.
Qualities to look for in a Husband:
Job 1.1: This man was blameless and
upright: he feared God and shunned evil.
Look at how he treats his parents
and friends
The
gift of singleness!
(1 Cor 7:7 NIV) I wish that all
men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from
God; one has this gift, another has that.
What is the gift of singleness?
- The ability to remain single and to enjoy it without a
greater desire for marriage
- Sexual conciousness
but not the compulsion for it.
You do not need to worry that God
has given you this gift when you do not want it, if
you desire to get married you do not have this gift. However
marriage is also a gift of God not a right. Many more people will not have the
gift of singleness and will not be married. Some will remain celebate because of the kingdom of God (Mat 19:12) to do
missionary work for instance. While we might not like or enjoy singleness we
should try to lead fruitful lives, making the most of the time, rather than
waiting for Mr or Miss Right to come along. The grass
is always greener on the otherside, we think. Not always.
How
to decide who is the right one ?
Col 3.15: Let the peace of Christ
rule in your hearts,...No peace, no marriage.
Prov 20.18: Make plans by seeking advice; if you wage war,
obtain guidance.
Infatuation wants to get; Love wants
to give. Do you know the difference.
Physical
attraction? Required because
it is a physical relationship, but not the determining factor. Will only sustain marriage in first few years. Physical
attraction will tempt you into marriage but will not sustain it.
Similar
temperament? Leads to peace,
dissimilar leads to strife! Can you live with those characteristics that
annoy you now, they do not magically change after
marriage. It takes a lifetime for the Holy Spirit to change a person, do you think you can do better?
Quiet, Noisy,
Sloppy, Tidy
Overbearing, submissive
Demanding, Exacting, laidback
Busy, sluggish
High energy level vs low
Generous, stingy
Caring, selfish
You should not share the same
spiritual weaknesses or sins
You should consider the following:
- Aims in life,
- Maturity: are you both mature enough to marry
- Education,
- Social background,
- Aims for work (will you spent time apart due to
travelling on business)
- Age,
- Mutual respect,
- Do you both want children,
- Friends,
- Attitude to money and wealth,
- Attitude to church etc.
- Health is an important issue, an unhealthy partner can
lead to greater stress within marriage
- Are you good friends or motivated mainly by sexual
attraction
- Physical attraction will tempt you into marriage but
not keep you in it (for long).
You need to know your partners
strengths and weakness, temperament BEFORE marriage, you will be unlikely to
change them AFTER marriage, even though you might take years trying. Watchman Nee says that you should go into marriage with your
eyes open and close them during marriage. Nagging will never change him.
In a Christian marriage
the husband should love his wife as himself, be considerate to her, not be
harsh with her, treat her with respect. The wife must respect her husband and
submit to him. Therefore those considering marriage
should consider these qualities. For example a woman should ask herself whether
she is able to submit to her potential husband, does she respect him as a
person? Does he love her, is he considerate towards her and does he treat her
with respect?
DON'T marry if one or more of the following conditions exist:
- If one of you relentlessly asks questions like,
"Do you love me?" or "Do you really care about me?"
- If when you are together you
spend most of your time disagreeing and quarreling (even if you miss each
other when you are not together).
- If you don't really know each
other as persons, even though you have spent a great deal of time
together.
- If you are both still very
young (roughly, under 22).
Most young marriages end in divorce or separation.
- If you are marrying mainly to get away from your own
home and family or to have someone take care of you.
- If your decision to get married has been
largely influenced by your prospective father-in-law or
mother-in-law. A surprising number of people are attracted by the warm
acceptance, the flattery, the wealth or even the
cooking of a potential in-law.
- If you keep having thoughts like, "Maybe things
will be better after we're married," or your prospective mate
continues in a particular behavior you don't like before marriage and
promises "to change" after marriage. It rarely happens!
- If your fiancé has behavior
traits that you can't stand (such as non-stop talking) and you avoid the
issue for fear of giving offense.
- If your partner insists that
you drop all your old friends and start afresh.
- If, after you've given it some
thought, you discover you are marrying a sex object, not a person. Sexual
excitement soon fades if there is no mutual sharing of personal values and
affection for each other as persons.
- If you're joining the parade
to the altar because all your friends are getting married.
- If you are lonely or tired of trying to make it on your
own and even a shaky marriage seems better than being single.
- If you are on the rebound from
a disappointment in another relationship.
- If the only reason you are marrying is to deal with an
untimely pregnancy. If there are no common values or goals, mutual respect, or shared interests to support the relationship, look
carefully first at other options: adoption, single parenting, or delaying
marriage until you are sure you are both ready to make a lifetime
commitment to each other.
Qualities of love: 1 Cor
13.4-7
Love is patient,
love is kind.
It does not envy,
it does not
boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude,
it is not
self-seeking,
it is not easily
angered,
it keeps no
record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Marriage is
honorable:
Heb 13.4: Marriage
should be honoured by all, and the marriage
bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
Marriage should
not be forbidden:
1 Tim 4.1-5: The Spirit clearly says that in the later times
some will abandon the faith and follow deceiving spirits and things taught by
demons. Such teachings come through hypocritical liars, whose consciences have been seared as with a hot iron. They forbid people to
marry and order them to abstain from certain foods, which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and who
know the truth. For everything God created is good,
and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, because it
is consecrated by the word of God and by prayer. Note: Marriage was created before the fall.
Marriage is a lifelong covenant and
divorce is not an option:
(1)Mal
2.14-16:...It is because the Lord is acting as the
witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith
with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has
not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they
are his. And why one? Because he was
seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not
break faith with the wife of your youth. I hate divorce, says the Lord God of
Israel, and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his
garment, says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not
break faith.
Jesus on Divorce:
Mat 19.3-12: Some Pharisees came to
him to test him. They asked, 'Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for
any and every reason?' Haven't you read, he replied, that at the beginning the
Creator made them male and female, and said For this
reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and
the two will become one flesh? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore
what God has joined together, let man not separate.
Why then, they asked, did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate
of divorce and send her away? Jesus replied, Moses
permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that
anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries
another woman commits adultery.
The disciples said to him, If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is
better not to marry. Jesus replied, Not everyone can accept this word, but only
those to whom it is has been given. For some are eunuchs because they were born
that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because
of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.
(Mat 5:31-32) "It has been
said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.'
{32} But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness,
causes her to become an adulteress,
and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.
(Mark 10:11-12) He answered,
"Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery
against her. {12} And if she divorces her husband and
marries another man, she commits adultery."
(Luke 16:18) "Anyone who
divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who
marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
From the above passages
it seems that God does not recognise the divorce
unless adultery has occured.
Paul on divorce:
1 Cor 7.10-11: To the married I
give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her
husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or
else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must
not divorce his wife.
Pauline concession (if the
unbeliever wants to leave the marriage then the believer is not bound to the
unbelieving partner):
1 Cor 7.12-16: To the rest I say
this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she
is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And
if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with
her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband
has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been
sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise
your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But
if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to
live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your
wife?
A wife is bound to her husband until
he dies:
Rom 7.2-3: For
example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is
alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage. So
then, if she marries another man while her husband is still alive, she is
called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is released from that law and
is not an adulteress, even though she marries another
man.
1 Cor 7.39: A woman is bound to her
husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies,
she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.
Deut 5.18: You shall not commit
adultery.
Prov 5.18-20: May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer -
may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be
captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom
of another man's wife?
Prov 6.25-29: Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let
her captivate you with her eyes, for the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread,
and the adulteress preys upon your very life. Can a
man scoop fire into his lap without his cloths being burned?
Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched?
So is he who sleeps with another man's wife; no one who touches her will go
unpunished. (see Prov
7.1-27)
Note: Adultery is biblical ground
for divorce (Mat 19.9: I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for
marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.)
Mk 10.11:-Anyone who divorces his
wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And
if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.
Mat 5.27-28: You have heard it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But
I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed
adultery with her in his heart.
Deut 5.21: You shall not covet your neighbour's wife....
Job 31.1: I made a covenant with my
eyes not to look lustfully at a girl.
Eph 5:25-33: Husbands, love your
wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her
holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present
her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other
blemish, but holy and blameless. In the same way, husbands ought to love their
wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no
one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does
the church - for we are members of his body. For this reason
a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two
will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery - but I am talking about
Christ and the church. However, each of you also must love his wife as he loves
himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
The one flesh relationship of
marriage is so real that in loving his wife the man is loving
himself. Look at the model of marriage that is presented to us here, the
husbands love for his wife should be like the love of Christ for the church
which he bought with his own blood (Acts 20:28). This love is a sacrificial
love, a self giving love, an agape love.
Col 3.19: Husbands, love your wives
and do not be harsh with them.
1 Pet 3.7: Husbands, in the same way
be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the
weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that
nothing will hinder your prayers.
Eph 5.22-24: Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband
is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which
he is the Saviour. Now as the church submits
to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Col 3.18: Wives, submit to your
husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
Titus 2.3-5: Likewise, teach the
older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or
addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the
younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and
pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so
that no one will malign the word of God.
1 Pet 3.1-2: Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word,
they may be won over without words by the behaviour
of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
Gen 3.16: Result of the curse: I
will greatly increase your pain in childbearing; with pain
you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he
will rule over you.
Prov 12.4:A wife of noble character is
her husbands crown...
Prov 19.13:...a quarrelsome wife is
like a constant dripping.
In a Christian marriage
the husband should love his wife as himself, be considerate, not be harsh,
treat with respect. The wife must respect her husband and submit to him.
For better or for worse
For richer or for poorer
In sickness and in health
For as long as you both shall live
When we take these vows, God takes
them seriously, do we?
(Mal 2:14) You ask, "Why?"
It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of
your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner,
the wife of your marriage covenant.
Marriage is a covenant
which terminates on the death of either side, after that the one still living
can remarry.
(1 Cor
7:39 NIV) A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she
wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.
as of 5-2008