Grow Up!
Many marriage
counselors are convinced that one of the greatest obstacles to a successful
marriage is selfishness. To be selfish is to be excessively concerned with
one’s own welfare, advantage, or pleasure without regard for others. Babies are
notoriously selfish. They are oblivious to anything but their own well-being.
When they are uncomfortable they scream until someone
relieves their discomfort. Their disposition is determined
by the degree to which things go their way.
We expect
babies to gradually mature—physically, intellectually,
and emotionally. Unfortunately, while many people mature physically and
intellectually, their emotional growth lags far behind. They still view the
world as they did when they were babies. They see it as a huge sphere revolving
around themselves, existing primarily for their own
well-being. They never really grow from egocentricity to a consideration of
others. When things do not go their way they react in
some infantile way, such as by crying, pouting, pitying themselves, throwing a
temper tantrum or even throwing objects near at hand. They may try to attract
attention to themselves by boasting of their accomplishments or criticizing
others.
If we place
two babies together without supervision they usually
encounter problems in a hurry! Likewise, an emotionally immature man and an
emotionally immature woman who have become united in
marriage are sure to undergo conflicts. Emotional babies don’t
make very good marriage partners! One of the greatest needs for stable and
successful marriages is maturity.
Maturity is basically unselfishness. Of course, no human being is totally unselfish; there is a little immaturity in all of
us. Someone has said, “Scratch an adult and you’ll find a child.” Someone else
has suggested that the only difference between a man and a boy is that a man’s
toys cost more! Since no one is perfectly mature, it becomes obvious that
maturity is a relative term rather than an absolute one. In fact, maturity is a
process rather than a fixed condition.
A certain
degree of emotional maturity is possible even for unbelievers, since the sin
nature has areas of strength as well as areas of weakness. You may know some
non-Christians who are quite unselfish in certain areas of their lives, as with
their spouses, their children, their relatives, or their in-laws. They may be
extremely gracious and kind toward neighbors, business associates, or people in
the community. They may show great compassion toward the needy and
underprivileged. But when you get to know them well,
you will usually find that they also have glaring areas of immaturity and
selfishness.
When a person
accepts Jesus Christ as his personal Savior, another factor is
introduced into his life. In addition to his sinful ego, with its
strengths and weaknesses, the Lord Jesus Christ indwells him in the Person of
His Holy Spirit. A person’s entire disposition now depends upon whether self or
the Spirit is in control. Since the Holy Spirit is the only Person who can keep
every expression of self in control, our relationship with Him becomes the
single most important factor in our progressive development. We refer to this
development as spiritual maturity rather than merely as emotional maturity. The
two are similar, except that while emotional maturity relates primarily to the
development of our human personality, spiritual maturity also recognizes the presence
of the Holy Spirit in our lives and relates to our growing relationship with
Him.
We have
learned that a Christian is either spiritual or carnal to the degree that the
Holy Spirit or his own sinful flesh controls his life. It is interesting to
note that the Apostle Paul compares carnality to babyhood. He wrote to the
Corinthians “as unto carnal, even as unto babes.”45
The reason some Christians act immaturely is because
their fleshly natures are in control of their lives. In other words, they are carnal. Since there is a parallel between carnality and
immaturity, we can assume that there is also a parallel between spirituality
and maturity. The spiritual Christian shows evidence of growing up, of
spiritual adulthood.
Even a new
believer can be relatively mature. We sometimes refer to a very young child as
being mature for his age. We mean that he is showing unusual evidences of
development. Maturity involves growth, and we are to continue growing
spiritually throughout our Christian lifetime.46 There is no such thing as sinless perfection in
this life—simply continuing growth.
Spiritual
growth takes place only as the Holy Spirit controls our lives. As we submit to
Him, He takes charge of more and more specific areas of our lives; we thus
become increasingly capable of building a happy marital relationship. Let us
examine several specific characteristics of maturity.
(1) A
mature person accepts himself as God made him. He feels neither inferior over his
shortcomings nor egotistical about his strengths. He knows that his body, his brains, and his abilities were given to him by God
for God’s own purposes.47
He is therefore neither inflated with pride over his
successes nor unduly discouraged by his failures. A serious inferiority complex
can produce tremendous tension in a marriage. A person who demands constant
reassurance to bolster his sagging ego can drive his spouse to distraction.
Likewise, a haughtier-than-thou egotist who constantly belittles his mate to
enhance himself can produce the same tragic effect. Both reactions are
childish, but God will help a person overcome them if he willingly depends on
the indwelling Spirit. When a Christian learns to accept himself humbly for
what he is as God made him, he will soon learn to accept others as they are too,
and that will constitute a giant step toward establishing a happy home.
(2) A
mature person profits by his mistakes and by the suggestions of others. Immature people try to find excuses
for their failures. They blame them on other people or on God. When they are criticized, they take it as a personal affront, striking
back with an angry defense like, “Well, you’re not so great, either!” Emotional
babies are more concerned about protecting their own egos than in growing. On
the other hand, a mature person graciously accepts criticism, honestly
evaluating his life in the light of God’s Word and depending on the Holy Spirit
to bring about the desired changes. He sees suggestions from other people as a
part of God’s plan for bringing him to maturity.
Such an
attitude will help relieve another area of tension in marriage. Instead of
reacting to some suggestion with, “You never appreciate anything I do,” the
mature person will say something like, “Thank you for your suggestion, dear.
With the Lord’s help, I’ll try to improve that.” Of course, the mature person
will also be careful how he makes suggestions. He will wait for the proper
time, maintain an attitude of love and appreciation, and accompany his
suggestion with words of commendation and encouragement.
(3) A
mature person adjusts to things he cannot change. One of the most practical prayers
ever uttered was, “Lord, give me strength to change what can be changed, grace
to accept what cannot be changed, and wisdom to know the difference!” It is an
unhappy fact that while most married couples love each other, many marriage
partners simply cannot stand the little idiosyncrasies which
they see in their spouses; they thus continually try to change their mates.
Those irritating habits seem to send them into orbit, and as they allow the
faults to prey on their minds they soon lose sight of the fine qualities that
attracted them in the first place. The result is a deepening bitterness that
destroys not only their marriages but their own personal lives as well. This is
both childish and sinful.48
The fruit of the Spirit is longsuffering; that is, a willingness to bear
patiently with the provoking traits in others. The Holy Spirit will produce
that grace in us if we will let Him.
Some people
who cannot accept reality flee to the unreal world of wishes and imagination.
When the cold fact dawns on them that the person they married is not the
matinee idol they created in their minds, they withdraw sullenly into a world
of dreams, thereby crushing all hopes of improving the relationship. Mature
Christians, on the other hand, find their deepest satisfaction in the Lord.49
They are thus able to accept the real world and the people in it as part of
God’s plan for helping them grow.
(4) A
mature person accepts unpleasantness, disappointment, or distress with calmness
and stability. He
recognizes that his life is in God’s hands—that everything God allows is
purposeful and good.50
The mature person therefore maintains his self-control when things do not go
his way. There is calmness and control when a husband brings home news of a
transfer to some far-off city or when a wife calls the office to say she ran
into the rear of another car!
Sometimes the
tiniest things irritate us and cause us to act selfishly and immaturely. One
survey showed that the most common complaint of husbands and wives against each
other is an irritable disposition. We let trivial things “get to us” and upset
us; then we react either by losing our tempers or by claming up and pouting. In
the course of my marriage counseling I have heard some
fantastic accounts of immature behavior among professing Christians, such as
husbands who threw objects around the house or others who hit their wives and
shoved them around. I learned of one man who lay on the floor
and kicked and screamed like a baby, and of another who put his fist
through the wall in an angry rage over something his wife had done! If our
marriages are ever to glorify God, we need to grow up by allowing the Holy
Spirit to take control of our lives. He will then display through us His fruit
of self-control.
Though the
preceding examples mentioned only husbands, the wives are by no means
guiltless. I have listened to husbands describe kicking and screaming wives or,
more commonly, moody and unpredictable mates. There is nothing more
discouraging for a husband than to come home after a taxing day at work to find
his wife stewing and churning about some petty aggravation
which poisons the family atmosphere throughout the entire evening.
Solomon must have had this experience. “A dry crust eaten in peace is better
than steak every day along with argument and strife.”51 “Better to live in the desert than with a
quarrelsome, complaining woman.”52 “A nagging wife annoys like constant dripping.”53
The continuous dripping of water was a form of oriental torture—not a very
flattering simile! Irritability becomes a way of life, a habit pattern. We need
to yield to the Holy Spirit and grow up.
(5) A
mature person accepts and fulfills his responsibilities. Maturity involves dependability.
Unfinished jobs, broken promises, and unfulfilled good intentions are examples
of undependability. An immature person cannot happily perform the tasks for
which he is responsible. He grumbles and complains, finding no satisfaction or
enjoyment in a job well done. Housewives grumble
because life is dull and routine. Working mothers long to be full-time
homemakers. Men hop from job to job in quick, haphazard decisions that fail to
include their wives. Some men overlook the common courtesy of phoning their
wives when they cannot come home at the expected time. The fruit of the Spirit
is faith, a word meaning “faithfulness” or “dependability.” We need to yield to
the Spirit and grow up to faithfulness!
(6) A
mature person finds his greatest satisfaction in making others happy. We will never find happiness by
simply looking for it. The more we look, the more
frustrated and disappointed we become. Selfishly seeking our own enjoyment
yields nothing but unhappiness. Unselfishly living for the good of others
brings rich returns, a lesson which most marriage
partners still need to learn. When we trust the Spirit of God to make us so
unselfish that we live solely for the happiness of our mates, asking for no
favors in return, the enjoyment we receive will be unbelievably abundant. Every
time you trigger a conflict in your marriage relationship, ask yourself, “Now
why did I do that?” You’ll probably have to admit that
you did it for your own enjoyment or convenience. Apologize and redirect your
words or acts for the good of your mate. Do not even imply that your mate
should do the same. Before long you may discover that
your mate is responding with a new consideration too!
Now this
costs something. In fact, it costs everything. But
mature people are willing to give everything, then patiently wait for the Lord
to work. It is only babies and children who demand what they
want when they want it. They live for the here and now, insisting on
their own way in every situation. Mature people often forego immediate personal
pleasures so they can bring ultimate enjoyment to others. Paradoxically, this
is what brings genuine happiness to the giver, too!
This vital
lesson takes time to learn. We all feel we have a right to indulge our selfishnesses occasionally. We’ve
been doing it for years, so why change now! But the
more frequently we respond to situations in the control of the Holy Spirit, the
easier the practice will become and the more quickly we will mature. “When I
was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a
child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish
things.”54
47 Psalm 139:13-16; Romans 9:20; 1 Corinthians 4:7.
50 Psalm 18:30a; 31:15; 37:23; Romans
8:28.