In Step With the Spirit
I am
convinced that most Christian marital discord is rooted in personal spiritual
problems. In other words, the underlying reason for most of the disharmony we
observe in Christian marriages today is spiritual disorder in one or more of
the persons involved.
We have
learned that marriage is a divine institution—that God made man and woman to
complete and fulfill each other. When a redeemed man and a redeemed woman join
themselves to each other in mutual love and trust, God joins them into a single
entity. He expects them to be one in purpose, in motivation, in interests, in
understanding, and in sympathies. What we often see in practice, however, is
anything but oneness. Many Christian homes are characterized by disunity,
arguing, screaming, and pouting. Everyone in the family seems to be pulling in
opposite directions, and the result is chaos. Harmony will never be achieved
until everyone learns to pull in the same direction! This is true spiritual
adjustment.
It’s always
easier to learn about those aspects of marriage which apply to the other
partner. Women frequently enjoy discussing the husband’s responsibility to love
his wife. Husbands often enjoy emphasizing the woman’s role of submission. But
neither the husband nor the wife can fulfill his or her role in marriage
without the supernatural power of the indwelling Holy Spirit. And we cannot
have the Holy Spirit unless we have received Jesus Christ as our personal
Savior from sin!
Most of us
want to be the husbands or wives that we ought to be. But we simply cannot
become such in our own strength. The Apostle Paul declared, “I know I am rotten
through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned.”24
We face tremendous physical, emotional, and mental adjustments in marriage. The
relationship is burdened with divergent backgrounds, differences of opinion,
and daily misunderstandings. Two egos, each selfish and sinful, seek individual
satisfaction and well-being. The odds against marital bliss seem almost
insurmountable! However, the odds can be overcome by supernatural help. The
indwelling Holy Spirit longs to help us. Let’s find out how to receive His
power!
The Apostle
Paul divides the human race into three major categories. The first category he
labels the “natural” or “soulish” man.25
His human spirit has never been made alive toward God. He is spiritually dead;26
he needs to be saved.27
His life is dominated by his “flesh” his sinful nature. It is this nature which
accounts for all of his weaknesses, such as the anger and jealousy which
produce so much turmoil in marriage.
The second
group Paul labels the “spiritual” man.28
This kind of person has received Jesus Christ as his Savior and has allowed the
indwelling Holy Spirit to fill his life. He is a mature, stable, and
spiritually strong person.
The third
category is the “carnal” or “fleshly” man.”29
This person is a Christian, but his sin nature (“the flesh”) seems to control
him much of the time, producing the same selfishness, anger, worry, jealousy,
bitterness, and resentment that he had before he met the Lord.
Now imagine
two flesh-dominated lives trying to become perfectly united in daily living!
The attempt is futile; each person merely succeeds in partially satisfying his
own selfish desires. It matters little whether both parties are unsaved, or
both are carnal Christians, or one is unsaved and the other is saved but
carnal. The result is much the same in every case.
Even if one
of the two parties is controlled by the Holy Spirit, perfect oneness is still
impossible to attain. This marriage will be happier than in the previous case,
because at least one partner is manifesting the love of Christ. But the
potential for perfect harmony is absent. No sinful ego has the same aspiration,
the same motivation, or the same power as the Spirit-dominated life. The two
partners will continue to cherish two diametrically opposed sets of goals and
values.
Perfect
unity comes only when the Holy Spirit fully controls both lives and draws them
together into unity and harmony. Because the Holy Spirit is a real Person, He
can establish goals, direct motives, develop attitudes, and assist actions. Because
He is God, He exercises all the power required to achieve His goals. Because He
is a Spirit, He indwells two partners simultaneously and unites them in heart.
There is no way for a husband and wife to enjoy perfect oneness apart from the
Spirit-controlled life.
Look at it
another way. The Apostle Paul wrote, “If we live in the Spirit, let us also
walk in the Spirit.”30
The word “walk” in this verse is a military term used in secular Greek
literature to describe rows of soldiers marching in step. If every soldier
watches his commanding officer and keeps in step with him, then he will also be
in step with every other soldier. Similarly, if a husband and wife both stay in
step with the Holy Spirit they will also be in step with each other. It cannot
be otherwise.
Look at it
still another way. A geometrical axiom states that all objects close to a given
object are also close to each other. Apply that axiom to marriage, and you
discover that as two people draw close to the Lord they also become close to
each other! The believer is a three-part being composed of spirit, soul, and
body. The spirit communes with God. The soul is the personality—intellect,
emotions, and will. The body possesses five senses through which it experiences
various sensations. Oneness in marriage requires unity in spirit, soul, and
body. Many Christian couples have worked hard at establishing oneness of body
through sex and oneness of soul through personality interaction, but have
tragically neglected the most important unity of all—that of their spirits!
They seldom pray together. They rarely share the Word of God with each other.
They hardly ever discuss mutual spiritual matters. The Lord is simply not a
real part of their relationship with each other. As a result the two partners
suffer alienation from each other at the highest plane of their human makeup.
This disunity of spirit then disrupts the harmony of soul and body as well. It
is God’s will that we yield our spirits totally to Him. Then He will grant
harmony of body and soul as well.
It is
significant that the major biblical instruction about the Spirit-filled life is
found in a context dealing with marriage.31
It begins, “And be not drunk with wine, in which is excess, but be filled with
the Spirit.” Just as a person who is filled with wine is controlled by that wine,
so a Christian who is filled with the Spirit is controlled by the Spirit. The
verses that follow enumerate four characteristics of Spirit-filled Christians.
1) Speaking
to yourselves in psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs.32
2) Singing
and making melody in your heart to the Lord.33
3) Giving
thanks always for all things.34
4)
Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.35
This last
characteristic describes an attitude of gracious humility and mutual respect.
With this mutual submission Paul begins the most extensive discussion of the
husband-wife relationship to be found anywhere in the New Testament. None of us
can fulfill our divinely revealed responsibilities until we are controlled and
empowered by the Holy Spirit of God. There is really no point in reading on and
learning what God the Holy Spirit wants to do in our lives unless we are
willing to let Him provide the necessary power. When we do allow Him to express
His life through us we will not only become worshipful, thankful, and humble,
but the ninefold fruit of the Spirit will be evidenced in our lives: love, joy,
peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and self-control.36
Dissension is impossible when these are radiating from our lives!
If the
filling of the Spirit is the primary issue in a Christian marriage, we need to
know how the Holy Spirit can fill us. Here are some suggestions.
(1)
Examine your life in the light of God’s Word.37
When problems occur in our marriages, the first thing we usually do is to pick
at the faults in our mates. As Christ put it, we try to get the splinters out
of their eyes while ignoring the logs in our own. Jesus said, “Hypocrite! First
get rid of the board. Then you can see to help your brother.”38
If we are honest we will find that we are far from guiltless. We may discover
such sins as anger, resentment, bitterness, unkindness, pride, unforgiveness,
coldness, selfishness, jealousy, worry, covetousness, and lust. Any one of
these can produce untold discord in the home! When we react angrily to the
display of these sins in our mates, we ourselves are sinning and are
compounding the problem still further.
(2)
Confess your sins to God.39
Having discovered our sins, we must promptly acknowledge them by name to God
and confess our full responsibility for their appearance. We cannot excuse our
outbursts by pointing to our mates’ provocations. We are volitional creatures;
we can choose to trust God for victory over these outbursts if we wish to.
First John 1:9 assures us that God will freely forgive us the moment we confess
our sins to Him. When we honestly admit to ourselves and to God that our sin is
really sin, many of our marital problems start getting solved immediately!
(3) Yield
every area of your life to God.40
God wants us to make ourselves wholly available to Him, to give ourselves to
him with no strings attached. Some people seem to be afraid to commit their
lives to God; they fear He might make some unreasonable demand or try to harm
them in some way. We sometimes find it so hard to believe that God’s way is
perfect—that He never makes mistakes.41
We desperately need to commit our lives totally to Christ. Only then can we become
filled and controlled by the Holy Spirit. If we refuse to relinquish our wills
to Him, it will shrivel our entire personality, making us unbearable to live
with and destroying the potential for perfect marital harmony. Let’s get our
marriages on the right footing; let’s do it God’s way!
Countless
Christians have already discovered that their seemingly hopeless marriages were
transformed into beautiful harmony when they yielded their lives unreservedly
to Christ. Some have discovered this secret only after long battles and bitter
heartaches. Why not obey God’s Word right now and avoid all the heartaches? The
improvement in your marriage can begin today!
(4) The
Spirit-filled Christian finds such joy and satisfaction in his yielded
relationship with the Spirit of God that he wants to maintain it continually. He does so by constantly
acknowledging the Holy Spirit’s indwelling power. He talks with the Lord
regularly. He hears the voice of God speaking in the Bible. He cultivates
fellowship with other believers. He leans on the Lord for strength to conquer
sin. This kind of a relationship is called “abiding in Christ.”42
Without the Savior we can do nothing—not even get along with our spouses!43
But through Him we can do everything, even to the point of making our homes all
that He wants them to be!44
as of 8-2005