Solving Marital Conflicts
No matter how well we are
communicating with our marriage partners, there are bound to be some areas of
disagreement. I have heard some couples claim that they never had a difference
of opinion during all their married life. What a drab and colorless existence
they must have had! The couple either possessed very little
personal individuality or else were afraid to express their true inner
feelings. It is hard to believe that God ever made two people so alike in every
way that their opinions coincided in everything!
Disagreements will come. Any of
several causes can produce them. The first cause could easily be the rude
discovery that our mates do not possess all the glowing qualities we visualized
in them before the ceremony! Since we want to see desirable traits acquired and
distasteful ones eliminated, we mentally enroll our mates in our school of marital
reform! Then we proceed with the monumental task of remaking them into ideal
mates.
The wife’s favorite teaching method
seems to be nagging, assisted by occasional ridicule, and, if necessary, by a
periodic outburst of tears. The husband’s favorite teaching method seems to be
the dig, that is, the cutting comment or sarcastic remark. He may also use an
occasional angry lecture, interspersed with long periods of withdrawal and
silence. Two sinful self-wills, each of which is torn
between love of self and love of mate, are now interacting with each other and
testing each other’s right to self-determination, with each seeking supremacy
in the relationship. The result is conflict.
At the heart of every conflict is
self. Most people blame their conflicts on their circumstances: the
unacceptable job, the small house, the fussy children, the poor neighborhood,
the lack of money, the interfering in-laws. But the true problem is that the human ego wants
unrestrained freedom to do as it pleases, expecting at the same time the
unqualified approval of its mate. In other words, it wants to be the sun around
which its mate orbits as a devoted planet. If two such stars would vie for
centrality in the same solar system, the results would be chaotic—but that is
exactly what has happened in many marriages!
Sometimes young people are in a
hurry to get married, often to escape an unpleasant situation at home. The real
problem is not usually their home or their parents, however. It is their own
sinful egos, and they invariably take them along with them when they get
married! This ego begins to interact with another selfish ego, and the previous home problems are eclipsed by the new marital ones!
First God wants us to learn how to deal with our old sin natures. Then we will
be ready to interact happily with a partner in marriage.
When meaningful communications have
broken down in a marriage, arguments may erupt over the most trivial things,
sometimes becoming so frequent and so heated that the couple begins to feel
that they are incompatible. I seriously doubt that there is any such thing as
incompatibility in God’s sight—just two wills that need to be
conquered by Jesus Christ. When He becomes the center of the marriage,
with each partner living for His glory, harmony and happiness will reign
supreme.
Suppose the conflicts do exist,
however, and the couple is willing to make the spiritual adjustments that need
to be made. How, then, do we resolve the dissension in
our marriages? We need to realize, first of all, that
an argument need not always be a destructive force. It could
be the very thing needed to open the channels of communication and expose the
festering sores of the soul that have been widening the gap between us.
There may be some changes that need to be made, but
neither the nagging nor the cutting comments are making them. They only tighten
the tension and drive us farther apart. A good, lively discussion may be the
only thing that will get our true feelings into the open. If so, then we need
to get to it, to get started with the argument. But we
must set some ground rules before we begin. Here are some suggested guidelines
for a profitable argument.
First, we
must establish as our goal a deeper understanding of each other. If we can accomplish this, we will ultimately thank God for the
disagreement. The goal of the argument is not to decide a winner and a loser.
Nor is it to bring about changes in our mates. It is to gain
fresh insight into how our mates think about the issues that affect us.
It might be a good policy for each partner to restate the other’s point of view
to his satisfaction. That will guarantee the accomplishment of this goal, at
least to some degree.
Second,
we must ask God to help us control our emotions. We often say things
under emotional stress that we do not mean, things that hurt
and cut and destroy. These things are not soon
forgotten. The fruit of the Spirit is self-control, and we need to let
Him manifest His calmness and control even in the face of unjust accusations or
serious provocations. This is not to say that emotions should
be excluded. We would probably never reveal how we felt in our hearts if
emotions were not present. But though it is legitimate
for our emotions to be present, they must be guarded closely by the indwelling
Holy Spirit. One wife told me that whenever their discussions begin to heat up,
her husband says, “Let’s pray about this,” and he begins to pray, out loud. It has a tremendously tranquilizing effect on
their marriage!
Third, we
must attack the problem itself—not the personalities or the motives. It is easy to become overly critical in any argument, and to make
inaccurate character judgments of our opponent or to falsely
accuse him of evil motives. When a wife fails to clean the house or a
husband postpones some chore, the impatient mate may level an accusation like,
“You’re just plain lazy.” That may not be the problem at all, and such an
accusation could cause a great deal of unhappiness for a long time to come.
“You did that just to get back at me,” is a favorite when your mate hurts you
in some way. But who made you a mind reader or gave
you the ability to discern motives? The Apostle Paul made an astute observation
about people who judge others. “Therefore, thou art inexcusable, O man,
whosoever thou art that judgest; for wherein thou judgest another, thou condemnest
thyself; for thou that judgest doest the same
things.”121 We have a tendency to project our
own motives to others; our angry accusations against our mates thus often
reveal more about our own hearts than of theirs. Christ said that we will be judged by the same standard we applied to them, “For
with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged.”122
Fourth,
we must remember that angry attacks against us are sometimes
provoked by exasperating incidents totally unrelated to us. Often when husbands or wives are irritable, their mates just happen to
be the most convenient target for their angry outbursts. For instance, the
pressure of the house and the children may have been building up in a wife all
day long. She is tense and on edge when her husband comes in the door, happy as
a lark. He hangs up his coat as a thoughtful husband should, but forgets to
close the closet door—and she blows her top! A husband filled with God’s love
and understanding realizes that there is something more behind this than a
closet door, and he responds tenderly and gently. Maybe the husband comes home
acting like an angry bear. He is short with the children and critical of the
dinner. A Spirit-filled wife understands that his actions are probably the
result of pressure at work and not of hostility toward his family. If we would
listen to our mates calmly and patiently instead of reacting indignantly at the
first provocation, the real problem would soon emerge. Then, instead of an
irate retort, we could offer sympathetic understanding, thus averting the
trauma of an argument.
Finally,
we need to learn when and how to bring an argument to a
conclusion. Some fights never end; they just go
on for years! Others seem to die without coming to a conclusion, thus deepening
the underlying resentment. “Let’s just forget about it” usually means, “If we
discuss this much longer, I may have to give in!” If we are wrong, we should
admit it. If we need time to think about it, we should say so. “I’m beginning
to see your point, but I need some time to think it over.” Then do just
that—think it over before the Lord.
Now the problems are out in the
open. We have communicated with each other and therefore
share a little deeper understanding. Now where do we go? How do we solve
the conflicts? There are several biblical principles that should help us.
First, we
should concentrate our attention on our own faults, thinking first of those
areas in which we can improve ourselves. The temptation when
conflicts arise is to sulk over the wrongs committed against us, rehearsing all
the old offenses and injustices we have suffered through the years. Then we
begin building our case for the next confrontation! Forget it! Turn your mind
to your part of the blame, however small it may be. Our own self-will and pride
are invariably responsible for part of the conflict. It may have been the
little demands we made of our mates for our own convenience. It
may have been the indifference we showed toward our mates’ needs. It may have been the coolness we expressed because our feelings
were hurt. All of this is selfish pride, and all of it helped intensify
the conflict. Whenever there is a conflict pride is the cause,123 and each of us is usually guilty
of some of that pride. We need to admit it.
It’s so easy to let our minds drift to our spouses’ part of the blame. We
are tempted to think that we acted as we did because of what our mates said or
did. We think they are really the guilty ones. But
this is a ploy of Satan. He wants us to think about our mate’s blame rather
than our own in order to promote dissension. Jesus called this hypocrisy. “Hypocrite! First get rid of the
board. Then you can see to help your brother.”124 Let us
ask God to help us acknowledge our own part of the blame. We must be ruthless
with ourselves. It is so easy to be severe with others and lenient with
ourselves. But this is egotism. True humility is
tolerant of others and exacting with self. Once we acknowledge our sin of
pride, God bestows both forgiveness and renewed marital harmony.
Now that we have acknowledged our
part of the blame and received God’s gracious forgiveness, we can ask Him to
give us victory over our sinful self wills, so that we relinquish our craving
to have everything our own way. We must ask Him to help us change what needs to
be changed in our lives. When we are in the middle of
a marital crisis we usually feel that our problems
would be solved if only our mates would change their ways. It seldom occurs to
us that we need the changing! By God’s grace we can
become new mates. We never really change others for the better by carping,
criticizing, and complaining. We only deepen the wedge that lies between us. We
must give our attention to the one thing that we can change by God’s grace and
power—ourselves! God does not expect us to improve our mates; He expects us to
provide for their needs. When we improve ourselves, our marriages will also
begin to improve.
When our husbands or wives realize
that we have stopped badgering them and have instead made significant changes
in our own lives, they will begin to respond in kind. It will take terribly
cold and callused hearts on their part to keep them from making some worthwhile
changes of their own. What a gratifying reward for our unselfish attitude!
Having dealt decisively with our own
shortcomings, we are now ready to move on to the next step.
The
second biblical principle for solving conflicts is to forgive completely our
mates’ faults. It is hard to forgive when our
mates have not apologized. But look at it this way. If
we have really acknowledged our part of the blame, we will have to admit that
the offenses they committed against us may have been, at least in part, a
result of the way we treated them. We have no choice but to forgive, even if
they have not admitted their wrong. Eventually we are going to have to
apologize for our part of the blame if we want a sweet spirit of harmony
restored, and we will not be able to apologize in the proper way if we continue
to harbor hard feelings. The only way to rid ourselves of those hard feelings
is to forgive our mates fully for every offense that they have committed
against us. There is no indication that the person who was wronging Peter ever
apologized for it, yet Christ told him to forgive as many as 490 times.125 He was teaching that there is
actually no end to forgiveness.
“But the hurt is too deep. I can’t
forgive.” That is an interesting comment. Listen to Christ again: “Your
heavenly Father will forgive you if you forgive those who sin against you; but
if you refuse to forgive them, he will not forgive you.”126 At first sight this would seem to teach that our own
forgiveness is based on our forgiveness of others, instead of on God’s grace in
Christ. However, this would contradict Christ’s other teachings. I believe He
is saying, instead, that if we refuse to forgive the person who has wronged us,
God knows that the confession of our own sins to Him has been less than
genuine, and that we have not really received the forgiveness which He has made
available to us. When a person has admitted the vileness of his own sin and has
experienced the blessing of God’s forgiveness, he cannot help but respond with
forgiveness toward others. If we refuse, we admit that we have really not known what it means to be forgiven by God. No
honest person can receive God’s forgiveness himself but refuse to forgive
another.
It is impossible to overestimate the
importance of forgiveness. When we grant forgiveness, resentment and bitterness
disappear and our harsh and intolerant attitudes are replaced
with genuine love and concern for our mates.
Now we are ready for the final step.
We have admitted to ourselves our own guilt and have forgiven our mates for
their share of the blame. Now we must openly and frankly apologize to them for our part of
the blame. It is a mistake to try to apologize before we have
acknowledged our own guilt and forgiven our mates for theirs. Our apology will
be far less than what God wants it to be. It will come out all wrong, and may
even do more harm than good. “I was wrong, but you were too.” “I’m sorry I did
that, but it wasn’t all my fault.” “I’m sorry I said
that, but what could I think after what you did?” “I’m sorry if I did anything
to offend you.” None of these statements really admits to anything. They are
not true apologies and really won’t fool anybody—least
of all our mates!
Only after our hearts have been set
right before the Lord can we offer a genuine apology. “Honey, I’m sorry I …”
(and we list the specific things we did or said to offend,
or the exact attitude that has contributed to the conflict)—period! No “ifs,” “ands,” or “buts.” The words “Honey, I’m sorry”
spoken from a broken and contrite heart are the sweetest sound on earth, and
they will minister healing to our marriages. This is what James meant when he
wrote, “Admit your faults to one another and pray for each other so that you
may be healed.”127 Though he was referring primarily
to physical healing, the same truth can be applied to
the mending of marital relationships. Open and sincere admission of guilt is a
powerful healing force.
Why is it so hard for some people to
apologize? Possibly they tried apologizing once or
twice but were rejected. Now they are afraid to try again. But
the reason for their rejection may have been their own improper attitude when
they offered the apology. Some men think that admitting guilt is a sign of
weakness. Actually, however, it is a sign of spiritual and emotional strength—a
mark of a healthy, well-balanced personality. Some people are afraid that they
will lose face with the ones they love if they admit their faults. But the very opposite is true; by being honest about themselves,
they will actually gain more respect than they ever had before. Some insist
that it would be hypocritical to apologize, since they will probably do the
same thing again. But God says that we are to confess
our faults to each other. Refusal is disobedience to Him. We must deal with the
issue at hand as He directs, trusting Him to help us in future situations.
Jesus taught that we must be
reconciled with others before we can truly worship God. “If you are standing
before the altar in the Temple, offering a sacrifice to God, and suddenly
remember that a friend has something against you, leave your sacrifice there
beside the altar and go and apologize and be reconciled to him, and then come
and offer your sacrifice to God.”128 If someone has something against
us, it is probably because we have offended him. It is our responsibility to go
to him, admit our fault, and be reconciled to him. Our worship will be less than
it should be until we do. “But isn’t he supposed to forgive me even if I refuse
to apologize?” Yes, he is. But each person must
nevertheless answer to God for himself. We must do what God wants us to do,
leaving the failures of others in the hands of God.
The question “Who started it?” or
“Who ought to make the first move?” is irrelevant. It makes no difference who started it. We ought to take the initiative in
confession regardless of the situation. Even if we have been deeply hurt, to
admit our part of the blame in unselfish and forgiving love will make it easier
for our mates to admit theirs. No matter how minor our fault is, we ought to
focus our attention on that and frankly apologize for it. God will then use our
selfless spirit to resolve our marital conflicts.
I shared some of these concepts with
a young wife and mother named
After our discussion Lynn agreed
that, with God’s help, she would concentrate on the things that needed
improving in her own life, giving special attention to meeting Jack’s needs.
She would commit his inconsiderateness to the Lord in faith. Shortly afterward I learned that Jack’s job would take them nearly
five hundred miles away. About a year later I received
this encouraging letter from
Dear Dr. Strauss,
I just wanted to write and thank you
for your advice. It really worked. Our marriage and our personal relationship
have completely changed. I began to forget about myself and
the things I felt I deserved and needed, and tried to think about Jack and his
needs. At first it was most difficult, but as I yielded myself to the
Lord, it became easier and easier each day. Soon I didn’t
even have to try—it just seemed to come automatically.
Then things began to change. Jack
started calling me from work to tell me when he would be later for dinner than
he had planned. He never did that before. He started taking time to sit down
and play with the children instead of running out right after dinner. It’s so much easier to talk to him now about the
disagreements we have periodically. He doesn’t get mad
as easy as he once did. Our family is so much happier than before, and it wasn’t really so hard to follow your suggestions. Thank you
ever so much.
Sincerely,
No, it really isn’t
so hard to do what God asks us to in His Word! If we honestly want to see our
marriages changed we will trust Him to help us make
the first move.
as of 8-2005