Speaking the Truth in Love
One of the
most common problem areas in troubled marriages is a lack of communication.
This situation is partly a product of our society, for many children grow up in
homes where little constructive communication ever takes place. Family
togetherness has degenerated to a joint television viewing; anyone who dares to
say anything is told to keep quiet because the others cannot hear! The latest
trend is for each family member to have his own TV, so that he can watch what
he wants without distractions or interruptions. All inter-family communication
is thus destroyed.
Another
factor which contributes to the absence of family communication is our tendency
to prevent our children from expressing their true feelings. We usually
consider it more important to act and speak in a socially acceptable manner
than to express our actual thoughts. Thus, after a child has made an especially
embarrassing remark we may expect to hear his mother reply, “Junior, don’t ever
say that again! What will people think?” We should certainly consider the
feelings of others, but our undue concern about other people’s opinions
encourages Junior to keep his innermost thoughts and feelings to himself,
thereby avoiding the pain of being misunderstood and rejected. He thus learns
to suppress communication.
Soon he
enters the competitive world of school, and later of employment. Few people
care about his thoughts or feelings; his performance is all that counts. He is
accepted by his superiors only as long as be conforms to certain standards and
produces a specific quality of work. His job security might be threatened if
people could see inside and discover what he really thinks. So he learns to
conceal what is there, to present a self-image which impresses people, one
which hides his faults and weaknesses. Behind his facade he feels as impersonal
as a computer card. He wants to be accepted as he is, but no one will do it,
for no one has found out who he really is.
Then the
inevitable happens—he finds himself attracted to a person of the opposite sex.
He begins to open up, to share his inner feelings. His companion does the same,
and it becomes a thrilling experience. At last they have each found someone who
really understands, who accepts the other party for what he actually is. They
find that they have much in common, that they were “made for each other.” When
the marrying pastor asks if they are able to communicate with each other, they
confidently assert that this is one of their greatest assets.
As the
marriage wears on, however, they have less and less to talk about. What they
once thought was a deep understanding of each other turns out to have been
merely the first exciting attempt to explore the mystery of each other’s
personality. But now the novelty is gone. As the pressures of the marital
routine mount, communicating becomes an unpleasant experience. Tensions
increase, misunderstandings occur, unkind words are spoken, and feelings are
hurt. The disenchantment becomes unbearable. The more each expresses his
opinion the more unpleasant the atmosphere becomes, until they revert to
concealing their inner thoughts. Instead of growing in their knowledge and
understanding of each other, with more and more of their lives shared in the
oneness which God planned for them, they drift farther and farther apart.
So the
complaints come: “He never talks to me anymore.” “He won’t tell me anything
about his work.” “I don’t know what she really thinks.” “She won’t stop
running. off at the mouth long enough to hear my side of it.” On and on they
go. Did you know that the Bible has a great deal to say about communications problems?
First of
all, it explains why we let communications break down. Inside each of us is an
old, sinful nature. In addition to being weak and frail, it is unbelievably
selfish and corrupt. “The heart is the most deceitful thing there is, and
desperately wicked, No one can really know how bad it is!”105
It is embarrassing to expose our deceitful hearts, so we wear a mask of
respectability rather than reveal our true natures. Jesus said that men love
darkness rather than light because their deeds are evil.106
We prefer to keep our innermost thoughts and motives concealed in the darkness
of our hearts, lest they be illuminated for all to see! Since the thoughts of
our hearts have a tendency to come out of our mouths,107
we often guard our mouths carefully. We avoid getting too close to anyone, lest
we be tempted to divulge our weaknesses, and people see us as we really are!
This is not
to suggest that we tell our mates all our past sins. It is possible that God
may want us to do this, but it might also be the most ruthless thing we could
ever do to them. We should, however, stop putting on airs while our hearts are
corrupted with lust, pride, hatred, and jealousy or riddled with doubts and
anxieties.
The greatest
thing that could ever happen to some marriages would be for the high and mighty
husband or the holier-than-thou wife to step down off his pedestal of
self-righteousness and confess his weakness and need. Such humility could
dissolve growing resentments, rekindle waning love, and reestablish broken
lines of communication. To pretend to be something which we are not is the
essence of hypocrisy, and no group ever drew a more scathing denunciation from
the lips of the Lord Jesus than the hypocrites.108
Again, I am
not suggesting that we blurt out everything that comes into our minds. That
becomes an offense to others, and God is not honored in this either. “Give no
offense, neither to the Jews, nor to the Greeks, nor to the
One of the
most frustrating counseling situations I have ever faced involved just such a
person. Fred suffered an acute hearing deficiency which he had never fully
accepted or learned to live with. It made him excessively intolerant and
unreasonable with his wife and children. What he said was law; it was never to be
doubted or questioned. He made rash decisions without knowing all the facts and
tolerated no appeal. He could do no wrong in his own eyes, and would not admit
to being at fault about anything. Twenty-five years of his domineering
dogmatism and stubbornness had totally alienated his grown children from him
and had made his wife the most bitter person I ever met. The only communication
which took place between them was shouting and screaming, some of which I heard
during a visit to their home.
In a private
session I tactfully explained to Fred that some of the conflicts in his life
might have been intensified by his personal attitudes. He rose from his chair
and paced the floor of my study restlessly. “It is possible, I suppose,” he
finally observed, “but I never really thought about it that way.” His
subsequent actions revealed that he decided never to think about it that way
again. A simple acknowledgment of some part of the blame might have begun to
melt away the resentment which the years had built, thereby initiating the
healing process that was so desperately needed. But his pride would not let him
step down. He chose to seal the doom of his marriage rather than acknowledge
any fault. Meaningful communication was cut off at its source.
The Bible
hints at another reason we refuse to communicate: we fear our spouse’s
reaction. Some people simply fall to pieces when they are told of their
shortcomings. There may be a volcanic outburst, an angry tirade, gushing tears,
or a long period of sullen silence. Once we learn what evokes this kind of
response in our mates, we fear to produce this type of situation again. We see
no point in subjecting ourselves to unnecessary anguish, so we draw into a
silent shell of self-protection. The next time we ask why our spouses will not
talk to us, let us first ask ourselves how we reacted to previous disclosures!
We may discover that the blame lies with us.
The biblical
corrective for this kind of a communications crisis is, “Stop being mean,
bad-tempered and angry. Quarreling, harsh words, and dislike of others should
have no place in your lives. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted,
forgiving one another, just as God has forgiven you because you belong to
Christ.”110
When your mate opens his heart and you are tempted to respond with
condemnation, pray before you open your mouth! “Lord, keep me from anger; keep
me from saying anything unkind. Help me to listen carefully and sympathetically
to my mate, to try to understand his feelings, to see this matter from his
point of view.” Then communicate intelligently and meaningfully, unimpaired by
emotional outbursts.
Make it a
rule never to raise your voice. Loud voices are unpleasant, and few people
enjoy unpleasantness. Loud, bitter, angry, sarcastic words will only drive your
mate deeper into his shell. Listen to King Solomon: “A soft answer turns away
wrath, but harsh words cause quarrels.”111
Memorize this verse. “Soft” refers not only to the volume level, but also to
the empathy level. Kind and gentle words pour cold water on the burning coals
of a stirred-up spirit. Harsh words only add fuel to the fire. How should you
react when your mate opens his heart? With kindness, calmness, graciousness,
and gentleness. That keeps the lines of communication open.
Still
another obstacle to sharing may be fear that our mates will use the information
against us at some future time. When differences of opinion occur, some people
love to drag skeletons out of closets and rehash old weaknesses, mistakes, and
failures. We really cannot expect our mates to unburden their souls to us if
they know they are going to hear a replay next month or next year. A person who
brings up old issues is more interested in being right and winning arguments
than in building an intimate personal relationship with his marriage partner.
The words
“forgiving one another, just as God has forgiven you because you belong to
Christ”112
are also pertinent to this problem. Some people protest, “But I have forgiven.
It’s just that I can’t forget.” How does God forgive? “I will forgive and
forget their sins.”113
“He has removed our sins as far away from us as the east is from the west.”114
If our mates could trust us never to use their confidential disclosures as a
future arsenal against them, they would be more open with us. There is only one
way to gain this trust: by asking God to help us forgive and forget. He may not
exterminate the memory from our minds, but he will extract the sting from it,
thereby removing any reason for ever mentioning it again!
A
beautifully happy marriage is only possible when each partner knows how the
other feels about most of the situations and issues that face them both. This
kind of empathy demands open lines of communication. We sometimes develop the
erroneous idea that the best alternative to an angry argument is complete
silence. We feel that we deserve a special reward if we bite our tongues in
stony silence while our mates rant and rave. But this kind of silence buys us a
ticket to the hospital with any of several stress-related diseases, and it
further infuriates our mates as well. There is another alternative to angry
argument. It is sharing in love what is on our hearts! The Bible reveals not
only the roadblocks to communication, but the pathways to communication as
well! One short phrase in Ephesians 4:15 holds the key to effective
communication in the home: “speaking the truth in love.”
The first
principle is to be honest: “speaking the truth.” A satisfying marriage relationship
will involve openness and honesty about fears, desires, motivations, sex,
money, weaknesses, mistakes, resentments, and misunderstandings. Many marital
problems could be resolved if husbands and wives were only honest with each
other. Are you having problems that you have kept from your mate in order to
spare him worry? If so, you are actually shutting him out of your life by implying
that he is not emotionally strong enough or spiritually mature enough to help
you resolve your problems. That is a backhanded insult that will only pull you
farther apart.
Do you have
needs which your mate could be fulfilling, but is not? You have been too proud
or too ashamed to admit it, so you have tried to be a martyr and keep it to
yourself. Soon inner tensions and resentments will build to the point of a
major crisis that needs professional counsel. That is a high price to pay for a
little dishonesty.
The
second principle of effective communication is to be loving, “speaking the
truth in love.” The
truth can sometimes be cruel. That is why God says it must be spoken in love.
This involves a genuine consideration for the other person. Some brutal things
have been told in the name of honesty when the real reason was to get out from
under the pangs of a guilty conscience. The great goal in marriage is complete
openness and total intimacy of soul and spirit. This, however, does not happen
overnight. It sometimes takes years to accomplish, and some couples never fully
arrive. But God wants us to keep growing, each day exposing a little more of
our souls to each other in Christian love and courtesy.
Love also
helps us choose the right time to share bad news or to introduce some difficult
subject. “Timely advice is as lovely as golden apples in a silver basket.”115
“How wonderful it is to be able to say the right thing at the right time!”116
Both of these verses refer to appropriate words spoken at the right time. It is
usually a good policy to wait until after supper to discuss unpleasant or
controversial matters. Sometimes it is best to wait until morning, especially
if our mates have had a particularly trying day.
If the issue
we wish to discuss is some fault in our spouses, love will cause us to talk to
the Lord first. He may show us that the problem is really their reaction to
some poor trait in us—something which we need to deal with first. Then, if the
Lord gives us liberty to bring it up, love will help us preface our remarks
with some word of commendation or appreciation, and we will present our
thoughts pleasantly, constructively, and positively. We will encourage rather
than injure our mates. “Kind words are like honey—enjoyable and healthful.”117
We really
cannot even begin to talk about someone else’s faults without heeding this
advice of the Apostle Paul: “Dear brothers, if a Christian is overcome by some
sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help him back onto the right
path, remembering that next time it might be one of you who is in the wrong.”118
It is so easy to sound superior when we talk to others about their
shortcomings. It makes us appear a little holier than they! But God says that
we are to approach others with meekness, since we are subject to the same
weaknesses that they are. True meekness is the fruit of the Spirit’s control in
our lives; we therefore cannot properly discuss the faults of our mates unless
we ourselves are filled with the Spirit. When he is in control we will sound
neither harsh nor unkind, nor will we imply for a moment that we are faultless
ourselves.
Love will
likewise keep us from using passion-arousing generalizations like “always” or
“never.” “You never listen to me.” “You always interrupt me.” Such
generalizations are seldom true. Love will also keep us from arguing in front
of others, especially the children, and from talking about the frailties of our
mates to others. “Love shall cover the multitude of sins.”119
Love will
help us learn when to stop talking as well. Solomon said there is a time to
speak and a time to be silent.120
Not all talking is meaningful communication. Our mates may want to unveil their
souls and share something very important with us if only we will stop talking
long enough to let them. Love will also keep us from forcing our mates to share
what they do not want to share at the moment. Love always considers the other
person. It is the spiritual medicine powerful enough to cure almost all of the
communication ills in any Christian home, “Speak the truth in love.”
Communication
is the means by which we learn to know and understand our mates. God, however,
already understands our mates; He created them. Let us ask Him to open our
channels of interpersonal communication and give us the same understanding that
He has, that our marriage relationship may grow increasingly precious every
day.
as of 8-2005