They Shall Be One
Marriage is
a divine institution established by God for man’s good. Yet we find it to be a
most puzzling phenomenon! On one hand are great numbers of people who cannot
wait to get into it, while on the other hand are multitudes of people trying
desperately to get out of it! What is this all about? The only real way to find
out is to start at the beginning, with the story of creation in the first
chapter of Genesis.
As we read
along in the narrative we learn that everything God
made was good. Seven times over God saw that what He had made was good.11
Then suddenly we read, “And the Lord God said, it is not good …” What was not
good? “It is not good that man should be alone!”12
Adam wasn’t really alone, was he? He had all those
animals, some of which are reputed to be man’s best friends! Yet all those
friendly animals were merely living creatures, while Adam was a living soul.13
He could have no soul-satisfying communion with them. God knew that Adam was
alone and that he needed a companion.14
Loneliness
is an awful thing; it is emptiness, incompleteness, lack of communion, lack of
personal companionship. Loneliness is the lack of opportunity to share yourself
with someone who understands—someone with whom you can enjoy a mutual
commitment and trust. That was Adam’s condition when God first made him. Though
Adam needed God first and foremost, God said that he
also needed a companion.
Does this
mean that a man without a wife is less than complete? Yes, unless he has the
divinely bestowed gift of celibacy! The Bible teaches that celibacy is a
special gift from God which is sometimes bestowed on a
man or woman when the single status would permit him or her to be more
effective in the service of Jesus Christ.15
Generally speaking, however, it is not good for a man to be alone. “I will make him a
helpmeet” was God’s proclamation. The word helpmeet is derived from two Hebrew
words meaning “a help” and “agreeing to him.” Woman was
created to be a helper suitable for man, compatible with him
spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. She is his complement,
providing what he lacks and fulfilling his potential.
So God
administered the first anesthetic and performed the first surgery. He took a
rib out of the man and from it made a woman.16
While he created man out of the constituents of soil, he made woman out of man.
She is part of him. In fact, she has part of him, and man is incomplete until
he gets that part back in the person of a wife. Notice which
part God used—the rib.
It may seem
rather demeaning to a woman that she was made to be a
man’s helper, but this role actually glorifies her, since man is incomplete
without her! Each party needs the other. It was a happy day for both the man
and the woman when God gave the first bride away. The man immediately
recognized that his wife was part of him, and so he gave her the feminine form
of his own name, woman.17
The next words in the narrative were spoken by God Himself, as Christ attested many years
later. “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave
unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh.”18
From that moment on, the divine institution of marriage was established. Did
you notice the words leave father and mother? It is interesting that God should
specify this at the very beginning of the human race. In-laws, which continue
to be one of the great sources of marital discord, would cause very few
problems indeed if husbands and wives would leave
their fathers and mothers, just as the Lord commanded, and instead fulfill
their primary responsibility to their partners in marriage.
The words cleave
unto reveal the nature of the marriage bond as God intended it to be. The
idea seems to be that a man is to glue himself to his wife. When two inanimate
objects are glued together they become a single
object. When two people are glued together they
likewise become one. God said, “And they shall be one flesh.” While the words
one flesh refer basically to the sexual union, there
is much more involved than this. When God brings a man and a woman together, He
unites them in a unique and profound biological-spiritual bond that reaches to
the very depths of their souls.
Marriage
should be infinitely more than a piece of paper signed by a minister and
infinitely more than two people living under the same roof or sharing the same
bed. It should be such a perfect and complete welding together of two
personalities that they become one entity. It should be the total commitment of
two wills to each other, the blending of two minds into a single mind, the
mutual expression of two sets of God-given emotions. Its goal is perfect
oneness, total intimacy, and the unhindered sharing of each partner’s innermost
thoughts, feelings, and very being.
This is a far cry from the common notion that marriage simply
provides legalized sex for two people who are physically attracted to each other.
God created sex, but He intended it to be a beautiful expression of the oneness
of heart and soul that already exists. If that oneness does not exist, the
physical act is meaningless, self-centered, and exploitative.
What we
learn from the Bible, then, is that marriage was given by God as a sacred union
in which one man and one woman are brought together to complement and fulfill
each other. An understanding of this basic fact will protect a couple from many
marital problems. Husbands and wives who realize that God has joined them into
a single entity will not foolishly try to hurt each other, for they know they
would only be hurting themselves. Each partner remembers to express genuine
love and understanding to the other, for one’s mate is really part of one’s own
self.
There is
another application of this passage, an application which
Christ Himself made. When God brings a man and a woman together in His
sovereign will and welds them into one, He intends for that relationship to be
permanent. “No man may divorce what God has joined together.”19
Many people seem to have the idea that if a marriage doesn’t
work they can always terminate it. They wonder why two people would want to
invest the effort and sacrifice necessary for a successful marriage when it
would be so much easier simply to call it quits. That erroneous concept can be
a most serious deterrent to the success of a marriage.
When the
Pharisees questioned Christ about the divorce provisions of the Mosaic Law, He
told them why they were given: “Moses did that in
recognition of your hard and evil hearts.” But He
quickly added, “But it was not what God had originally intended!”20 When God glues two people
together He intends for them to stick! If we could see marriage in the
light of the oneness God desires it to be, divorce
would be like amputating an arm or a leg. You do not consider cutting off your
arm when you get a splinter in your finger; you try to get the splinter out.
Nor should you consider cutting off your husband or your wife because you have
not yet been able to adjust to some unpleasant characteristic in him or her. It
is our prayer that these lessons will help you get the irritating splinters out
of your marriage.
There is a
difference of opinion among Bible scholars as to whether Christ permitted
divorce and remarriage at all. He said that divorce and remarriage constituted
adultery except in the case of fornication.21
Some interpret the words “except it be for fornication” as valid grounds for
divorce and remarriage. Others assert that the exception clause does not apply
to the marriage relationship as we know it today, and
that there are actually no biblical grounds at all for divorce and remarriage. But whichever way they interpret the exception clause,
almost all scholars agree on Christ’s primary point in this discourse—that God
wants marriage to be permanent. He expects us to look for ways to heal our
marriages rather than for excuses to dissolve them.
There is
also a difference of opinion about the Apostle Paul’s teaching on divorce and
remarriage. He said, “But if the husband or wife who isn’t a Christian is eager
to leave, it is permitted.”22
Some think this frees a believer to remarry if the unbelieving mate obtains a
divorce. Others say it does not. But whichever way they interpret these words,
almost all Bible students agree that Paul’s general rule for marriage was
established at the outset of his discussion—“A wife must not leave her husband
… and the husband must not divorce his wife.”23
This is a
controversial subject, and it will never enjoy complete unanimity of
interpretation this side of heaven. For this reason we
should be careful to maintain an attitude of graciousness and Christ like love toward the casualties of a broken home. But the basic intent of the biblical teaching is undeniable;
we must not overlook it. Divorce is not intended as an
easy escape for couples who cannot solve their marital problems. The road to
happiness in marriage does not consist of unloading one’s mate and finding a
new one, but rather of becoming a new mate by God’s grace and power.
“The grass
is always greener on the other side of the fence” applies as much to marriage
as it does to many other areas of life. Some who have
managed to climb over the fence have found that the same unpleasant personality
traits which produced conflict and tension in their first
marriage are now causing problems in their second! They may have gotten
new spouses, but they themselves are the same selfish, immature individuals
they always were.
I will never
forget the desperation in Duane’s voice as he sat across from my desk and
described the unbelievable chaos of his second marriage. Though he professed to be a Christian, he had five years earlier walked out on
But Duane
needed to experience several basic changes in his attitude before he could
enjoy success in any marriage relationship. Because many of us are like Duane,
we need to consider these important changes as they are
discussed in the next several chapters.
11 Genesis 1:4, 10, 12, 18, 21, 25,
31.
15 Matthew 19:11, 12; 1 Corinthians
7:7, 8, 25, 26.
18 Genesis 2:24, KJV; cf. Matthew
19:4, 5.
23 1 Corinthians 7:10, 11, TLB.
as of 8-2005