What Every Wife Needs to Know
The primary
responsibility of the husband in a Christian home is to love his wife. This is
mentioned a number of times in the Bible. In one passage of Scripture, however,
wives are commanded to love their husbands.88
While this one reference indicates that they are expected to help create an
atmosphere of love in the home, their primary responsibility is introduced in
the next verse, where they are exhorted to be obedient to their own husbands.89
Obedience involves subjection and subordination. The word is used of the wife’s
responsibility to her husband no less than six times in the New Testament.90
We have
discussed the subject of headship and God’s order of authority in the home
previously, but now we want to apply it specifically to the wife, for
submission is her principal obligation. “You wives must submit to your
husbands’ leadership in the same way you submit to the Lord.”91
Ladies, submission to your husband is really submission to the Lord, because
the Lord commands you to do it! If you cannot find it in you to submit to your
husband for his sake, do it for the Lord’s sake. The Lord loves you with a
perfect love. Respond to His love with subjection to your husband.
“You wives
must willingly obey your husbands in everything, just as the church obeys
Christ.”92
Those two words “in everything” are rather broad, aren’t they? Obedience is not
to be practiced only when you feel like it, or when you wholeheartedly agree
with your husband, or when he is treating you with Christ-like love, but in
everything! The Bible does not condition your subjection on his love, even as
it did not condition his love on your subjection. You must answer to God for
your own actions, and no excuse for disobeying His Word will be accepted.
“But my
husband never considers my feelings. I’ve got to stand up for my rights.”
Aren’t you disputing the Word and wisdom of your omniscient God? Do you think
for a moment that He did not know about your circumstances when He wrote His
Word? He says that you are to be in submission to your husband in everything.
He must have known that this would be best for you, or He would never have
asked it of you. Give your will to Him; tell Him that you are willing to be the
submissive partner. Obedience to this command glorifies God richly.
“But my
husband is a jellyfish. He makes Charlie Brown look like the Rock of Gibraltar.
How can I submit to him and lean on him?” Try it! Try submitting to him as unto
the, Lord, in everything. Just obey the Word and entrust the consequences to
the Lord! Defer to your husband’s judgment when he really ought to make the
decision. Express some confidence in his abilities instead of running him down,
ridiculing him, belittling him, or comparing him with other men. Tell him that
you think he’s the greatest, and that you thank God for having him to lean on.
Watch God use your attitude to make a man out of him, the man God wants him to
be.
Just as God
planned for a husband’s love to meet his wife’s needs, so he planned for the
wife’s submission to meet her husband’s needs. While a woman’s God-given nature
is to be dependent, a man senses an inner urge to take charge. No matter what
he says or how he acts, he deeply resents any tactic his wife may use to
dominate or manipulate him. Furthermore, a leader must have respect and
recognition, and that is exactly what God wants the wife to provide. “The wife
must see to it that she deeply respects her husband.”93
God made the husband to lead; the wife must let him lead, treating him as a
leader should be treated.
Making a
living is not easy in our competitive world. The husband often faces
frustrations, discouragements, and setbacks. Some people take advantage of him,
cheat him, and deceive him. Others criticize or censure him. He needs someone
to encourage him, to appreciate him, to believe in him, and to respect him—and
that is why God gave him a wife! He will be able to bear a great deal more
hardship in the workaday world if he knows that he has a wife at home who
admires him, trusts him, and stands by him, whatever happens. If he gets the
same sort of treatment at home that he gets in the working world, he will be
tempted to try some form of escape which will lead to unhappiness for all
concerned. But the thought of a smile coupled with a little admiration and
encouragement will draw him to his home like a magnet.
Some may be
thinking, “This submission business is all right if your husband is a
Christian, but mine isn’t.” The central passage of Scripture on this subject is
First Peter 3. It was written for all wives, but there is a special instruction
to those with unsaved husbands: “Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your
own husbands.”94
All Christian wives are to be in subjection, but read on: “… that, if any obey
not the word (that is, if any have unbelieving husbands), they also may without
a word be won by the behavior of the wives.” The second occurrence of the term
“word” in the verse has no definite article preceding it in the Greek text. It
refers not to the Word of ‘God, as the first occurrence, but to any word, like
a nagging sermon! This is a most amazing disclosure. God says that the
subjection of the wife is the key to winning an unbelieving husband to Christ.
She doesn’t have to harp about attending church. She doesn’t have to preach at
her husband. She doesn’t have to read the Bible to him. She is simply asked to
submit to him—graciously, gladly, lovingly, and tenderly. God uses this
attitude, this behavior, to win her husband to Jesus Christ.
After I
shared this concept with a morning Bible class I had been teaching, I noticed
that one of the faithful ladies was missing for several succeeding weeks. Upon
inquiring, I learned that her husband had been upset over her multiplied Christian
activities, preferring that she stay home and tend to her household duties.
After hearing what the Scriptures taught about this, she had decided to submit
to him even though it involved the sacrifice of a beneficial spiritual activity
which she thoroughly enjoyed. It was not long until her husband, who had
previously shown little interest in the things of the Lord, trusted Christ as
his Savior and began attending church with his wife to hear the Word of God for
himself. He also permitted her to return to the Bible class. The consequences
of conforming to God’s will are always to our advantage!
“But what if
my husband asks me to do something contrary to the Word of God?” This is the
only exception I can find to the “everything” of Ephesians 5:24. It was Peter
who commanded Christian wives to submit to their unsaved husbands. Peter also
told us to obey every law of government.95
Yet when Peter himself was rebuked by the high priest for preaching Christ, he
answered, “We must obey God rather than men!”96
This same
idea is found in Paul’s letter to the Colossians. “Wives, submit yourselves
unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.”97
The basic intent here seems to be that wives are to subject themselves to their
husbands because this is proper for a woman who knows the Lord. But the wording
may also imply that this subjection applies only to those areas which the Lord
considers proper or fitting. If subjection to the husband is really subjection
to the Lord, as Ephesians 5:22 states, then it is obviously governed by the
higher authority of the Lord’s Word. For example, if a husband asks his
Christian wife to participate in a wife-swapping party, she would have to
refuse, since this activity would clearly contradict God’s revealed will. Subjection
in dishonorable matters eventually causes an unsaved husband to despise his
Christian wife, thus driving him even farther from Christ.
How about
church attendance? The Bible commands believers to assemble together,98
but it does not say how often. A Christian wife may properly desire to be at
church whenever the doors are open, but because she is in subjection to her
husband she will go only when he allows her to go, graciously submitting to him
when he denies her that privilege. She will let him know that she is genuinely
pleased to do what makes him happy. Then she will find the strength to sustain
this gracious attitude through her own personal fellowship with Christ. He in
turn will reward her with additional wisdom for every new situation that
arises.99
Viewed in
the light of God’s Word, subjection is not a forced slavery to which a wife
must make herself conform. It is not a loss of individuality or personality.
True biblical subjection is a woman’s creative and challenging pleasure of
discovering how she can show her husband that she respects him, admires him,
and depends on him. That requires the death of all pride and the destruction of
all selfish motives. It means that the wife will become more interested in the
husband’s needs than in her own. It means that she will stop asking, “How far
must I go in my subjection to my husband?” and will instead begin to ask, “How
far can I go without disobeying my Lord?” This may require a complete change of
the wife’s attitude toward her husband, but God will help her if she asks Him.
Her new prayer will be, “Lord, give me a simple and unselfish desire to be led
by my husband as I am led by You, and thereby bring glory to Your name.”
Now let’s
look at a few other things which God wants every Christian wife to know,
whether her husband is a believer or not. “Don’t be concerned about the outward
beauty that depends on jewelry, or beautiful clothes, or hair arrangement. Be
beautiful inside, in your hearts, with the lasting charm of a gentle and quiet
spirit which is so precious to God.”100
From the Greek word translated “outward beauty” we get our English word
“cosmetic,” denoting a beautifying agent. The Word of God tells Christian women
how to be beautiful. If they will take this advice they will save themselves
considerable expense! Peter says that beauty is not primarily a matter of
external things, such as hair style, jewelry, and clothing, but instead
originates in the heart. He is not saying that a Christian woman ought to be
slovenly or careless about her appearance, but that real beauty is something
deeper than either her skin or the threads that cover her skin!
Women need
to learn this. Some seem to think that God gives them husbands to buy them
everything their hearts desire. They drive their husbands to make more money so
they can buy more clothing and jewelry and have their hair done more often,
thereby impressing people with their beauty and social status! They use their
husbands to satisfy their own pride of appearance and lust for material things.
A woman like this usually destroys her husband or drives him to someone who
loves him for himself.
Something
that never wears out or goes out of style is “… a meek and quiet spirit, which
is in the sight of God of great price.” “Meek” means gentle, considerate,
willing to surrender one’s personal rights. “Quiet” means peaceful, restful,
undisturbed. A meek and quiet spirit is a precious and beautiful thing in God’s
eyes, a thing of supreme value. But if my conversations with Christian husbands
reflect the prevailing state of affairs, this trait is glaringly absent among
women generally—even Christian women.
We often
find instead moodiness, irritability, nagging, grumbling, and
complaining—hardly commendable traits in a Christian woman! “But,” some will protest,
“you said in the preceding chapter that it is our physical makeup that causes
us to be emotionally weak and moody.” True, but not all moodiness can be
attributed to body chemistry. In fact, much of it may stem from a refusal to
get down off the throne of one’s life and let Jesus Christ take control. This
kind of refusal is sin. Irritability is one of the most common complaints of
husbands and wives against each other, and it usually results from one partner
interfering with the pleasure, comfort, convenience, or well-being of the other
partner. Irritability is really nothing more than our sin nature having its own
way. That sin nature needs to be dethroned and defeated!
This fact
does not give a husband the right to be unloving or unkind when his wife is in
a bad mood. She still needs words of sympathy and understanding rather than
angry retorts like “Snap out of it” or “Stop acting so childishly.” But neither
can a wife blame her bad disposition on her husband. She must accept the
responsibility for it personally before the Lord. She must call it what it
is—sin. Then she must confess it to God and claim his power and grace to
overcome it. The Lord Jesus Christ will then produce in her His own
graciousness and sweetness.
Admittedly,
a woman’s life can be difficult. The burden of keeping up a home and caring for
the children can easily become a monotonous routine. She goes through the
motions, but feels as though she is not contributing anything significant to
life. The constant confinement of four walls and the incessant backdrop of
childish chatter threaten to drive her to distraction. But if she allows that
attitude to linger it will cast a dismal gloom over the whole household, and
everyone in it will suffer. A cheerful atmosphere in the home depends largely
on the wife. If she accepts her responsibility to create a congenial atmosphere
and yields herself to the indwelling Spirit of God, He will produce in her His
fruit of joy; life will become an exciting challenge rather than an
exasperating chore. Sometimes women get involved in so many outside activities
they lose sight of the biblical priorities. Their first responsibility is to
make their husbands and their homes happy—and this takes serious thought,
careful planning, and selfless attention. The dividends are rich, however, and
the personal satisfactions and rewards are well worth the effort.
King Lemuel
describes an amazing woman in the last chapter of Proverbs. It would profit
every Christian wife to read this chapter often. She is a talented woman. In
fact, she even helps with the income.101
It is not wrong for a wife to pursue a career if it does not interfere with her
domestic responsibilities. Judging from all that she does for her family, the
ideal woman of Proverbs 31 is an industrious, self-disciplined woman who
schedules her time carefully. Nothing is too much trouble for her. She even
rises before daybreak to prepare breakfast for her family.102
One word is probably more important than any other in the passage. It is the
word that describes her sustaining attitude: “She worketh willingly with her
hands.”103
The literal meaning is “with pleasure.” Her deepest joy and satisfaction is
found in making her family happy. You see, the Lord is interested not only in
what we do, but also in how we do it. Our attitude matters to Him. When a
Christian wife is yielded to Christ she will be able to accept her God-given
role joyfully, and her husband’s heart will cry “Amen” when he reads the words,
“The man who finds a wife finds a good thing; she is a blessing to him from the
Lord!”104
A word of
caution must be given to the husbands, too. It is so easy to talk about the
faults of our mates instead of seeking God’s grace to improve our own
shortcomings. This chapter was not written for husbands to hold over their
wives. It was written so that the Holy Spirit can enlighten Christian wives
about their biblical duties. Let each of us examine our own lives in the light
of the Word; the Holy Spirit will perform His work in your mate in His own
divine way!
90 Ephesians 5:22, 24; Colossians 3:18, Titus 2:5, 1 Peter
3:1, 5.
as of 8-2005